December 8, 2002 EhBC Online Discussion

<ModBot> [This message is automatically generated] Welcome to or regular Sunday night discussion. Please refrain from sending "hi" and "bye" messages until after 10 pm. Also note that the discussion is being logged. If you wish to remain anonymous, you should change your nick. Tonight's discussion topic is "Casual, Committed, or Somwhere In Between". The discussion is unmoderated. Enjoy!
<Achilles{tr}> Hello there KO! Good to see You, My Friend.
<Kilted_One> huggers back at ya pandora``
<ladybiker> hello Kitted_One
<MrKool46> does jennifer have e-mail?
<Paulslilimp> KO good evening
<jewel`{F}> hey this chanserv being down is sort of nice `abi can kick the bot
<`abi> lol
* Kilted_One sneeks in a hiya for all those others that said hiya when he came in
<MrKool46> a pm pandora?
<pandora``> sure MrKool46
<Kilted_One> k, so who is an inbetweeni??
<ravenswolf> inbetweeni?
<Kilted_One> yeah you are in the middle of Casual and Committed
<ravenswolf> ahh ty
<Kilted_One> ty abigaille
<ladybiker> i am a before and an after.............rofl
* Kilted_One notices ModBot looks kinda lonely
* Kilted_One asks if ModBot wants to a have a good time
* Kilted_One reaches in his wallet and tosses ModBot a @
<MrKool46> damn chan serve
* cuddlesub is committed, but gets a day pass every once in awhile
<Kilted_One> nice way of putting it cuddlesub
<ladybiker> lol
<alice_in_chains> i am definitely casual with a form of respect
<ladybiker> :)
<della_sera> I think that as a bottom we all have a need to believe there is some sort of commitment... however, I also believe that it's a huge step, similar to marriage, which shouldn't be jumped into
<jewel`{F}> what is that we are talking about being casual, commited or in between?
<jewel`{F}> are we talking just play ?
<ladybiker> i agree, della_sera
<alice_in_chains> i was thinking all terms jewel
<della_sera> even if it's just play... it's harder to trust or 'give it all up' with someone we are casual with
<della_sera> I sort of need the complete trust
<Sweet1`> unless it's a long term type casual with someone you know
<della_sera> not that we don't play with others that I'm not commited to but in the primary
<della_sera> aren't there levels of play which you wouldn't engage in with a casual partner?
<ladybiker> same here, della_sera: to let go, i need that complete i could not be into is good and it is bad the same time
<della_sera> like watersports (if you're into it) or branding play
<ladybiker> yes, true, Sweet1
<della_sera> I can do the casual as well but it doesn't go as far.. especially when it's harder play or role play
<della_sera> and I won't engage in anything sexual as well
<yummy> casual play can be fun but its hard to explore new areas when its a the first or second play with someone
<della_sera> it just scratchs an itch
<yummy> too much learning to do about the other person
<yummy> sometimes pretty well though della_sera
<ladybiker> lol della_sera
<della_sera> I vote for somewhere in between ;)
<drauma{M}> yes, I can submit to unbound OTK much more easily and casually than to bound anything
<Achilles{tr}> But casual play might be with Someone who goes in directions with which you are not familiar. Could it not open up new vistas as well?
<krista-F> this one plays regularly with a casual partner..and even in that over time we have grown in the manner we play..even though we are just friends
<drauma{M}> it does, one example is volunteering at a demonstration
<yummy> Achilles{tr} i think it can
<della_sera> Achilles, yes it can open new vistas
<Paulslilimp> been there done that
<della_sera> but if you're not 100 percent sure about the other person , it seriously limits those
<yummy> why do you say it that way Paulslilimp?
<`abi> lol...been where and done what Paulslilimp?
<drauma{M}> had no idea of how much fun fireplay was untill I experienced it at a demo
<Paulslilimp> no reason just meant have volunteered at demos
<drauma{M}> casual play is a lot easier in public than in private I find
<Paulslilimp> you know me abi will volunteer for anything
<krista-F> agree with that
<yummy> play tends to get more sexual in private i think
<della_sera> yes it is drauma
<Sweet1`> only if you want it to
<drauma{M}> I have seen exceptionally hot play in public, I dont think that is an issue
<della_sera> I trust my Top... he can introduce new people to our play and I have no problems with that at all
<ladybiker> yes, but wouldn't your volunteer to be under protection with Someone you trust?
<della_sera> but I know he's there
<della_sera> laughs.. yep, exactly ladybiker
<drauma{M}> but, a stranger is a lot less scary in public than in private
<della_sera> it's a built in safety net
<della_sera> there are people around
* drauma{M} nods
<Sweet1`> playing with a stranger? or do you mean someone new to you?
<Paulslilimp> agrees
<yummy> i don't play with new people in private, too scary (unless i have a chaperone)
<twilight_girl> that's very true drauma. if your all tied up and they get out of control, no one is there to help you in private
<krista-F> yes....this girl has travelled to play with people she knows only by reputation..but has always felt she was surrounded by friends
<ladybiker> i know that there are people around but dont Wwe say not to interrupt any play in public?
<Sweet1`> there has to be some level of trust to start the play in the first place
<drauma{M}> even when someone is there in private, your level of trust has to be higher, it has to extend to all present
<della_sera> I'll basically do anything he wants with anyone as long as I know I'm safe
<yummy> ladybiker you will get interupted if you safeword in public and the Dom doesn't notice you did
<della_sera> but.. getting back to the topic
<della_sera> I live alone and like it
<Sweet1`> lol agreed della_sera!
<yummy> you can still have a friend come by to chaperone
<della_sera> I'm not looking for someone to solve my life problems or take over my existence
<della_sera> I've done that
<drauma{M}> or, leave chat going, or have an open phone conection
<della_sera> not too sure about how well that works
<yummy> i like doing first plays in public, lots of chaperone, little to worry about
<della_sera> I call it my 'frenzy' days
<drauma{M}> it can get very interesting when you share like that, a web cam ...
<della_sera> phone
<yummy> would add to the safety i'd think
<yummy> leaving it on to have a recording of what happened
<drauma{M}> again, you are trusting the freind, and the stranger both
<yummy> well i tend to trust those i play with
<Paulslilimp> i do as well yummy
<yummy> its easier on my nerves
* drauma{M} nods
<Paulslilimp> uh huh
<drauma{M}> but, that is after negotiations one hopes
<drauma{M}> before one hopes you are very very paranoid
<yummy> yes it is after negotiations and chats
<yummy> and lots of general getting to know you
<yummy> not just "hi there sexy wanna beat me"
<yummy> so what is between casual and committed?
<`abi> that comes later yummy
<ladybiker> a Mentor?
<yummy> how so ladybiker?
<drauma{M}> I like to see a Mentor as a non-playing confidant kinda relatinoship
<ladybiker> well i do not have a Master, but i have a Mentor whom i trust totally.
<twilight_girl> how about playing with a casual friend and a committed partner at the same time? that's in between
<drauma{M}> sometimes quite literally a sammich
<yummy> a play partner so to speak? is that a good name?
<Achilles{tr}> Averaging out levels of commitment?
<ladybiker> everything would /is under His supervision.............and i would expect the same thing i guess from a protector.............knowing that i would not choose either of Them (Mentor or Protector) withough making sure They know me.........
<drauma{M}> perhaps extending the trust you have
<drauma{M}> someitmes signals can get crossed tho
<yummy> averaging out Achilles{tr}? what do you mean by that?
<Achilles{tr}> Involving a Committed partner and a Casual partner in a scene equals a semi-committed situation in the scene?
<yummy> ladybiker, how is a Master different than a mentor or a Protector?
<drauma{M}> I dont like that concept, I would view it as extension of the high-level of trust to umbrella the new player
<ladybiker> for me, i am totally commited to a Master, and not commited to a Mentor ot a Protector..........
<drauma{M}> I view a Mentor as a non-playing advisor, a confidant
<drauma{M}> someone whos opinion and help you seek out and value
<yummy> what do they get from you if no commitment or play?
<MrKool46> nothing!!
<drauma{M}> that will vary, some Mentors view it as their duty to the scene as a whole
<ladybiker> agree, drauma: but becaus eof the level of trust, at least in my case, Wwe also play because i do not have a Master............and not in training with anyOne..........
<yummy> you have a mentor MrKool46?
<Sweet1`> there is no satisfaction in teaching someone?
<yummy> i would think there is
<MrKool46> nope
<drauma{M}> one can study wiht a Mentor, and one can be commended to play partners by a Mentor, so, they gain more poeples in their retinue so to speak
<drauma{M}> I find great satisfaction in teaching
<yummy> are mentors always Doms or can they be a fellow sub
<drauma{M}> someone you respect I would hope
<Sweet1`> a sub can be a mentor
<ladybiker> i agree
<tvsubbie> PING 1039401938 0 13165162
<`abi> Anyone care to define committed? Committed to what?
<Sir_StephenS> a mentor is imo someone who has "been there, done that" and wishes to pass on their experience; by that definition, a sub is just as good (or better) a mentor than a Dom
<yummy> is committed a one on one relationship where you don't play with others?
<drauma{M}> no
<Sweet1`> can be emotionally committed
<drauma{M}> polyamorous commitments expand that
<twilight_girl> you can be commited to more than one person
<Sweet1`> and play with others
<drauma{M}> but, commitment establishes boundaries
<yummy> what boundaries?
<slave_earl> does commitment come in levels? can only wear one collar at a time.
<drauma{M}> and, requires interaction, discusion, agreement wiht those you commit to before you leave the box
<drauma{M}> tha collar could have multiple tags, or it could be to a group
<Sir_StephenS> committment could be to bdsm in general...making it a big part of their life, in whatever way you see fit
<krista-F> krista agrees with the Sir_StephenS
<krista-F> a commitment to a way of life can be just as big as a commitment to a person
<slave_earl> one thing about bdsm, Y/you can not fly solo
* drauma{M} thinks of self-bondage
<yummy> doens't mean i have to accept a collar though
<Sweet1`> self flagellation
<drauma{M}> unilateral submission
<drauma{M}> I had a job once, my boss was a natural Domme, we had no understanding, I just submitted
<drauma{M}> platonically of course
<yummy> but did you consider yourself her sub at work?
<ladybiker> :)
<drauma{M}> yes
<yummy> so was it casual, committed or inbetween?
<drauma{M}> I am a service slut to begin with, so that wasnt hard
<drauma{M}> there was a paycheck, but it was the reason I came in on time and took extra hours when asked
<drauma{M}> I would say committed, I made room in my schedule for her needs hour-wise
<della_sera> have to go... thanks for the welcome and short discussion (for me anyways ;))
<ladybiker> bye della_sera
<drauma{M}> had she wanted to go deeper, to non-job D/s i would have been eager to
<yummy> did you ever try to approach that?
<drauma{M}> I fell in love wiht her over the phone, it was cemented at the interview, when I was hired. I got the impression she was divorced, which was tue, but thinking her single was wrong, she had another relatinoship going that she didnt talk about
<yummy> how many people do casual play while in a committed relationship
<drauma{M}> at least, not for several weeks
<yummy> that must have been hard for you drauma{M}
<drauma{M}> I recovered
<twilight_girl> I havn't yet yummy, but I plan to, just havn't had the oppertunity
<yummy> what makes you want to do so twilight_girl?
<drauma{M}> me as well
<drauma{M}> MzTyger wants me to be sure, and wants me to grow beyond the places where she can or will take me
<twilight_girl> I have only ever played with my current partner, I want to experience what others are like. Also, since I dont live with my partner, sometimes you just need to play when your partner can't be around.
* drauma{M} nods
<yummy> so it can enhance your growth and fill needs that you might have
<drauma{M}> sometimes it isnt play either, someitmes a punishment needs to be done, and you cant travel for it
<yummy> you could accept punishment from a casual play partner?
<Morbious> hello everyone
<drauma{M}> I woudlnt, but sometimes a close freind will do
<yummy> hi Morbious
<ladybiker> have to go....sorry................thank you all for the welcome................
<ladybiker> good night
<Sir_StephenS> staying with your first play partner sounds like marrying your first love; fine if its obviously solid, otherwise watch out for the 7 year itch
<yummy> the nice thing about playing wth more than one is you can explore different styles and different places
<drauma{M}> I can imagine a humiliation type punishment which might involve a relative stranger
<yummy> and learn about your likes and dislikes
<twilight_girl> well, I do plan to stay with my partner, but like I said, we will also play casually with others
<Morbious> casually can be bit a vauge term? what does that really mean? different things to differet people.
<`abi> what does it mean to you Morbious?
<yummy> most people i play with casually i do not play with just once......its normally ongoing casual
<drauma{M}> I see casual as the opposit of committed
<twilight_girl> to me it means getting together with someone who you consider a friend, in order to play. Nothing where you feel comitted that if you play one time, you will have to play again. Just friends sharing something they both enjoy.
<Morbious> but sometimes, emotions get invovled
<Morbious> can confuse the situation
<krista-F> that is how this one views it as well twilight_girl
<drauma{M}> like a pick-up band
<drauma{M}> however you play, play safe
<Sir_StephenS> on the other side, if you do engage in casual play, you may be missing or lessening the intensity and depth and the knowing of another thoroughly
<Morbious> certianly something to consider very carefully
<Morbious> well have a great night everyone
<drauma{M}> if you dont enlarge your horizons you risk stagnating
<drauma{M}> and, to work with new people, well, you almost never go for the gold in terms of intensity with a stranger, so you begin slow
<yummy> i think so long as you take safety precautions its a great way to have fun
<Paulslilimp> and to learn new things
<yummy> yup
<slave_earl> have a nice night A/all
<Sir_StephenS> lots of pros and cons involved; I would not minimize the possibilities of having fun, and enlarging horizons, even staying with one partner
<ModBot> Well, that's it for the formal part of the discussion. The discu ssion log is now closed. It should be processed and uploaded to the website soon. Please feel free to continue chatting informallly. Have a good night, everyone!
<ModBot> Thank you to everyone who participated in the discussion.