August 24, 2003 EhBC Online Discussion
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<ModBot> Welcome to or regular Sunday night discussion. Please refrain from sending "hi" and "bye" messages until after 10 pm. Also note that the discussion is being logged. If you wish to remain anonymous, you should change your nick. Tonight's discussion topic is "Telling Your Friends (and Family?)". The discussion is unmoderated. Enjoy!
<`TimberWolf> hmmmm I guess I will have to begin this
<slave_earl> To be or not to be...
<`TimberWolf> cassie go tell your friends and family what a kinky little slut you are!
<_dove> she did - she told me
* _cassie chuckles
<_cassie> My sister would disown me if she even knew half of what I've done in my life.
<`TimberWolf> well BernieRoehl how did you tell your friends and family
<_cassie> My other sister kinda sorta knows some stuff.
* BernieRoehl settles in for the discussion
<BernieRoehl> I told my friends one at a time at first, starting with the ones I thought would be most receptive
<`TimberWolf> and Justice? do you have fdriends and family?
<BernieRoehl> They took it very well, so I went on from there
<_dove> my sister knows
<Justice> none of the former, too many of the latter TW
<BernieRoehl> Everyone I've talked to about it has been fine, and now I'm "out" about being kinky to pretty much everyone I know
<`TimberWolf> who was hardest to tell BernieRoehl?
<BernieRoehl> Good question
<`TimberWolf> thank you
<`TimberWolf> I am sure you have a good answer in there as well
<BernieRoehl> There a couple of friends I have who I still haven't told
<slave_earl> is it easier for a Dom/me than for a sub?
<BernieRoehl> I was about to tell one, but she found God before I had a chance to
<`TimberWolf> not sure I have never been a sub...we would have to ask a switch I think
<BernieRoehl> I think it's probably harder for most subs, particularly female subs
<`TimberWolf> well good for her:)....do you think finding God excludes her from being supportive?
<slave_earl> why female subs and not male subs?
<BernieRoehl> That was my impression, but I could be wrong
<slave_earl> didn't God invent D/s?
<BernieRoehl> With female subs, the first assumption seems to be that they're in some kind of abusive relationship
<`TimberWolf> my God is ok with it...but to each their own!
<_cassie> I think anything related to sexuality is easier for people to accept with regards to men than women.
<naughtyvickie> dpends who you ask slave_earl *winks*
* _dove agrees with BernieRoehl
<slave_earl> let me rephrase, wasn't God the first Dom?
<`TimberWolf> that is the subject for another night slave_earl:)
<BernieRoehl> Yup, different topic
<`TimberWolf> BernieRoehl forgive me but I am not sure of your parental dynamic do you have parents alive still?
<slave_earl> anyone forced to tell?
<BernieRoehl> (sorry, phone -- back now)
<`TimberWolf> for example my family knows I dance to a different drummer and that I am kinky....they have all spotted toys laying around if they drop by unannounced
<`TimberWolf> but there has never been an overt discussion about it
<BernieRoehl> Yes, my folks are alive and well. And no, I haven't told them -- no need to, really
<`TimberWolf> just as I never discussed my pre D/s sex life with them
<krista-F> my husband knows....some friends...the girl i work with.....my son.......
<BernieRoehl> They're getting up in years, and probably wouldn't understand
<BernieRoehl> Parents are somewhat of a special case... I have friends who have come out to their parents, with... mixed results
<`TimberWolf> well good for them! but you have appeared on a TV show haven't you BernieRoehl??? and you are very out
<krista-F> i find the older i get the less i care what people think of me and my lifestyle choices
<BernieRoehl> Yes, I'm very out -- and if my parents do find out about it, I'll sit down and talk to them. It wouldn't be a big shock for them
* BernieRoehl agrees with krista-F
<krista-F> in fact i was thinking..i will have two separate gatherings when i die
<krista-F> one for the kinkster side and one for the vanilla folk
<BernieRoehl> I've actually tried introducing my kink and vanilla friends. It was fun
<krista-F> im not that brave........lol
<`TimberWolf> ewwww.... don't your vanilla friends bite or something?
<krista-F> living in a small town is much different than life in a bigger city
<krista-F> alternative lifestyles are not "done" here
<finesse> For myself, i've not even considered telling my family. Although, i'd really feel more at ease with my family knowing than my friends. As odd as that may seem.
* Johncin knows what krista means
<krista-F> well.families are suppossed to be about unconditional love.
<krista-F> i have had one friend grow very distant over this revealation.....but she is in her sixties.and had never even heard of bdsm
<krista-F> so was a real mind boggler for her
<_dove> It can be very hard to explain
<finesse> Yes krista- F. Though, that isn't always the case sadly enough. But, yes, i'd trust them more. Friends may let things get out. i'd be mortified if co-workers found out
<`TimberWolf> Justice does your family know you own and operate a kinky irc channel...that is used as a forum for bdsm discussions?
<krista-F> my assistant knows...it was just to hard to keep such a big part of me quiet
<Justice> I haven't told them so no, TW
<`TimberWolf> see I doubt my family even knows irc exists
<BernieRoehl> Same with my family
<finesse> not likely TW *lol*
<krista-F> when i wanted to download irc a couple of years ago....my son warned me not to.he said thats where are the weirdos hang out.lol
<`TimberWolf> when I tried to introduce my youngest sister to it...her and her hubby just said....we would rather call you
<_cassie> My mother is convinced that anyone I meet online is a psychopath hehe
<`TimberWolf> yes and she hasn't even met me yet dear!
<krista-F> but i have been wearing my slave bells here at home for the last couple of days.so im thinkn he is getting the idea that mom's a bit different herself
<_cassie> uhm, no, Sir... that wouldn't go over well at all lol
<slave_earl> krista-F, just curious, about how old is your son?
<BernieRoehl> So has anyone had any negative reactions to telling friends or family
<krista-F> i just told my family dr this past while......and she was very open minded....
<krista-F> being diabetic it is good for her to know what i do for fun.
<slave_earl> krista-F, type 1 or 2?
<slave_earl> 1 here
<krista-F> there are questions i have wanted to ask.but not been able to .until i was able to clue her in a bit
<krista-F> who do you think has a definite right to know....if anyone?
<_dove> i would think it's our choice, more than someone's right
<krista-F> even in the case of a spouse dove?
<slave_earl> _dove, agree with that
<finesse> i don't know if anyotne has a right to know krista-F. It's more about chossing whom we think should know
<_dove> Yes krista
<finesse> gads..look at the spelling!
<_cassie> My friends don't need to know the specifics of my sex life, whether that's vanilla or bdsm related.
<finesse> choosing even!
* linara has a friend she would love to be able to talk with, but is afraid of her reaction
<`TimberWolf> dove dear you haven't said much....do your non kink friends and family know about your deep dark desires?
<krista-F> i believe its my husbands right to know actually....and he does...
<_dove> Some do Sir, my sister knows
<_dove> krista - that works for you *s*
<`TimberWolf> and how did she react?
<krista-F> yes....it does.
<_dove> She understands and saw that i am happier, so she accepts it
<_dove> i give her a lot of credit, she did a lot of research
<`TimberWolf> but do you think she understands it dove?
<krista-F> that would be my husbands view as well dove...his only concern is my happiness and my safety.
<linara> has anyone decided to inform people who took it badly?
<krista-F> only one friend here linara
<naughtyvickie> i haven't told many people myself
<_dove> Yes Sir she does. She dabbles in it, but nowhere near it being a lifestyle choice for her
<linara> i haven't told anyone at all
<linara> i wish i could, i doubt they would understand
<`TimberWolf> I had one friend say he didn 't want to know what goes on in my bedroom.......but most were very curious...and wanted their to ask their dark secret little questions:)
<krista-F> people can surprise you linara
<linara> it's not even just the bedroom though Sir
<_dove> 2 of my customers know
<krista-F> you are most correct there linara
<`TimberWolf> your right linara but for most vanilla couples if it is sexual in nature...it is a bedroom thing
<linara> smiles at krista-F
<linara> i know i am going to have to answer a ton of questions from my sister after an outing on Friday night - and i'm not sure how to answer them
<linara> this discussion is perfect timing *laughs*
<`TimberWolf> honesty works best:)
<linara> thank You TimberWolf Sir, i do intend to try lol
<slave_earl> linara, try pointing her to castle realm
<linara> she isn't the most open minded person earl, to say the least
<BernieRoehl> There's a book out there -- "When Someone You Love Is Kinky"
<`abi> I've always thought that it's much like telling children about sex ... tell them what they need to know, answer their questions honestly, but don't feel obliged to tell them more than they need to know
<`TimberWolf> what was the
<_dove> well said abi
<finesse> i agree `abi
<linara> my brothers band was playing at Harry's Grill, my Dom and my sister and her husband went
<linara> thank You abi, very good idea
<linara> i kept my place Sir, got His drinks, poured them etc.....got many looks from my sister hehehehehe
<`TimberWolf> well that is innocent enough
<`TimberWolf> you can explain that away:)
<linara> tY as well Bernie, if need be, i'll pick it up
<BernieRoehl> Sorry, lost the context there linara
<`TimberWolf> good suggustion BernieRoehl is it a quality title?
<BernieRoehl> I've only skimmed it, but it looks good. And very on-topic.
<`TimberWolf> very much so:)
<`TimberWolf> abi you have wonderful kids....do they know and understand your dynamic?
<krista-F> might be just the stocking stuffer for my son this Christmas
<slave_earl> the more people you tell the easier it seems to get
<BernieRoehl> It does get easier
<_dove> IF you feel a need or desire to tell them......
<linara> my son is 24, he knows, he understands it and is fine with it
<krista-F> it is so much a part of my life that i forget how totally bizarre it is to some vanilla folk
* BernieRoehl nods
<krista-F> forgetting that can be a costly error
<BernieRoehl> So what are the reasons for telling people, or for not telling them?
<`abi> they all know Timberwolf ... they understand to varying degrees ... and they generally accept
<linara> i would love to be able to tell some so i don't feel like i have to act like i am two different people
<`TimberWolf> so abi did you have difficulty telling your younger daughters....not wanting them to get the wrong idea about healthy relationships?
<slave_earl> BernieRoehl, had to, circumstances
<`TimberWolf> that I think would be the toughest discussion for me
<_dove> i find that the easy part TW
<`TimberWolf> how so dove?
<`abi> no TW ... I have told them what they ask about ... which isn't much ... startlingly enough, like the children of vanilla parents, teenagers and young adults don't really want to know much about their parents sex lives
<_dove> From a female's perspective, the structure of a D/s relationship is fairly easy to understand. not necessarily accept, but understand
<_dove> The interaction, bonding, trust, etc are heightened...... most women can relate to that
<shareena_> most women thrive on that
<krista-F> i would imagine it is different when the bdsm part of the parents life is not conducted with the parents vailla partner.as in my case
<_dove> When i have chosen to tell someone, i head for that part first. i find they listen beyond that with a bit more of an open mind, because they 'see' what the attraction would be
<_dove> agreed shareena *s*
<linara> in this day and age though, the discipline and wanting to be dominated in all aspects is i think harder for women to understand
<krista-F> not only does my son have to accept that i am different ..but that i am differnt and apart from his father in this interest as well
<_dove> That would depend on how it is presented to someone outside the lifestyle, and what their views are to begin with, linara.... my opinion
<`abi> linara ... keep in mind that what your children see is the way that you interact with the world ... most submissives I know lead lives which are full of responsibility and assertiveness
<`abi> and I don't believe it hurts children to see parents who are strong enough to make some choices which don't conform to societal norms
<_dove> i told a work colleague (a customer actually) about D/s two weeks ago
<linara> responsibility yes, i am not very assertive at all
<`TimberWolf> no abi actually it would be ab excellent example for most kids
<_dove> i agree abi
<`abi> if you are choosing your lifestyle, then you are demonstrating strength linara .. that's the important thing for them to see
<linara> true abi, thank you
<`TimberWolf> and showing that it is ok to stand outside the crowd
<`TimberWolf> dance to a different drummer
<`TimberWolf> and a few other neat expressions
<krista-F> i kind of like this crowd.....:)
<linara> i don't often make it to the Sunday night discussions, i'm glad i could to this one!
<linara> always read them on Monday
* BernieRoehl smiles
<`TimberWolf> as are we you came linara
<`TimberWolf> or didn't you like it quite "that" much?
<finesse> Yes, i do that as well linara. Read every single one!
* linara is aymelek, though when i signed in the name was taken (excuse the out of discussion chat pls)
<linara> i've enjoyed the ones i have made it to, though usually don't participate much
<linara> dove, how did the customer you told about D/s react?
<krista-F> i am really brave....in a small town...one of few people that does know is my hairdresser!!
<_dove> she and i are more friends than 'client'...... she immediately understood my attraction to the lifestyle
<_dove> The other customer...... i was 'found out' lol
<`abi> that's because hairdressers are sadistic by nature
<_dove> lol abi
<linara> i may try to sit down with my sister and discuss it....bringing up the trust issue and honesty first is a very good idea
<krista-F> and the biggest gossips alive
* BernieRoehl smiles
<`abi> it doesn't have to be done in a heavy-handed serious way linara
<_dove> linara..... i've always been very open with my sister - had to be to have some of the fights we had *s* - it's a nice feeling that she knows, and i don't have to watch what i say to her
<`abi> I outed myself to my brother when a firetruck drove by and I said "wow...gotta love all that rubber"
* linara LAUGHS @ abi
* BernieRoehl chuckles
<linara> i got caught by a girl at work watching an electician run chains from the ceiling for new lights
* linara was told to take my eyes off the chains and get back to work
<ModBot> There are only about five minutes left in the formal part of tonight's discussion. Does anyone have any last-minute thoughts on the subject?
* `abi nods to linara ... see that's perfect ... it's a short step from that to saying "I have a thing for chain"
<linara> i blushed instead *laughs
<linara> she is the one though i would love to be able to tell about it
<_dove> i do that abi...... most think i'm joking..... that makes it even more fun *g*
<krista-F> my hairdresser got the clue when a distributer came in with a large umbrella he referred to as a beatin stick.and i got out of my chair and bent over....
<krista-F> im not known for being subtle linara
<linara> i joke around alot, but i never carry it too far
<aurelle> hihi all
<linara> i think i always stop just short of letting it out
<slave_earl> linara, keep them guessing
<linara> nods at earl
<linara> i guess with time
<ModBot> Well, that's it for the formal part of the discussion. The discussion log is now closed. It should be processed and uploaded to the www.ehbc.ca website soon. Please feel free to continue chatting informallly. Have a good night, everyone!
<ModBot> Thank you to everyone who participated in the discussion.
<slave_earl> have four who call me their "kinky grandfather" affectionatly