June 27, 2004 EhBC Online Discussion

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<ModBot> Welcome to or regular Sunday night discussion. Please refrain from sending "hi" and "bye" messages until after 10 pm. Also note that the discussion is being logged. If you wish to remain anonymous, you should change your nick. Tonight's discussion topic is "How to Combat 'Dom Droop'". The discussion is unmoderated. Enjoy!
<SirBear> doing great thanks and you?
<SirBear> hi ModBot
* _dove{S} came to see Doms droop
<kierana{DRFL}> and what part droops?
<SirBear> ha ha dove
<krista-F> is that the same as the sag i have i wonder.hmmmmmmmmmm
<SirBear> we can pop up if you treat us right
<krista-F> :)))
<_dove{S}> not touching that comment
* kierana{DRFL} bites tongue
<SirBear> ah cum on ya wanna
* Namons looks at all the lower case and smiles
<Kilted_One> as long as it is your own tongue that you are biting
* Namons hides his Dom Droop until later
* kierana{DRFL} grins of course KO Master is at work tonight lol
<Kilted_One> anyone think they know what the term means
<kierana{DRFL}> ok...seriously...just what is Dom Droop and is it the same as the let down a sub feels at the end of a scene?
<seeria> I've no clue
<kimochi> i have a suspicious it refers to psychological "drooping" - i.e., perhaps a bit of burn out?
<Namons> Dominant burnout?
* Namons chuckles
<kimochi> suspicion i mean
* Namons grumps
<Namons> mE-AFK
* Kilted_One would agree with that kimochi...it is not dropping as in coming down
<Kilted_One> anyone been in a relationship when this has happened??
<kimochi> so what do the Dominants in this room do when they get a bit "stale" or burned out?
<QTIP> i never heard the term before. i'd have to admit, i'm there now
<kierana{DRFL}> sort of a blue funk, then?
<Namons> I would think one would approach it like any other burnout.. get away for a time and allow yourself to recharge.
<_dove{S}> If you have someone you're responsible for, it may be a bit hard to get away
<Kilted_One> how would one do that if they were in a 24/7 relationship Namons??
<kierana{DRFL}> sleep
<kimochi> it probably depends a bit on what led to the burn out - are You burned out because of D/s? is it unrelated to D/s? both? neither?
<Namons> I don't see 24/7 as ultimately a realist expectation to begin with
<Namons> So I can't answer that... I would have the other stand down and live their life normally for a bit
<Kilted_One> do you think there are certain things that could cause this to happen and that they could be avoided??
<_dove{S}> Namons - look at it perhaps as being committed to someone in a relationship 24/7 - not necessarily active D/s 24/7
<Namons> ah yes dove I did misread
<kierana{DRFL}> burn out tends to effect all aspects of life...maybe it has nothing to do with D/s but it will effect how One deals with Their sub
<Namons> if you're in a loving relationship I would hope the other party would give that space or respect the fact that you're not at your best and need time away from that side of things
<`abi> ummm...Namons...for some people...this is living life normally
<QTIP> i was the local sib. my mother was ill for an extended period. i oversaw her care. now my garage holds some of her belongings, my house some of her furniture. i feel the need to toss out half of everything but i'm stuck. goddamed boxes are filled with memories
<Namons> very true abi *nods*
<Kilted_One> are they happy memories
<QTIP> what i need is to put my house in order
<QTIP> i'm a control freak. but i need to control me most of all
<Kilted_One> is there anything that a submissive could do to help with Dom Droop??
<krista-F> by not addressing this...do you feel you are out of control QTIP?
<Namons> perhaps we need to get back to topic, as Kilted_One was saying... what might help accelerate the Dom Droop
<QTIP> maybe i could delegate a cleanup! ;-)
<spankablecyn> Do special things for him that he likes
<kierana{DRFL}> providing a quiet space for the Dom to relax in...giving Him/Her someone to rant at
<Kilted_One> would you say that this "condition" was a mental one or a physical one??
<spankablecyn> Could be both if he is not well
<Namons> Mental breakdown can lead to other breakdowns *nods*
<kierana{DRFL}> i would think mental...but could show up as physical
<Kilted_One> you think there could be a link between wellness and Dom Droop spankablecyn??
<spankablecyn> Yes, medical problems can get in the way of play.......not only for the Dom but for the sub as well, there are ways to work around it
<Kilted_One> if it is mental (has typed metal twice now and had to correct it....must be something there!!!) based would physical things help with it more or less??
<spankablecyn> More serving and less play comes to mind
<Kilted_One> good suggestion spankablecyn.....
<kierana{DRFL}> sleep works sometimes...excercising also works...
<Kilted_One> nods to kierana{DRFL}
<Namons> I would think that demend, even self-inflicted, to keep things fresh and different would lead to Dom Droop
<Namons> demand sorry
<Kilted_One> I'm thinking that it has to do with loosing ones spark, ones desire....the energy flow has stopped so I would think that any way that turned the energy back on and rekindled the spark would be the way to proceed
<spankablecyn> Masters loved to be spoiled, like encouraging words and like to be told they are appreciated
<kierana{DRFL}> that's true, KO,
<Kilted_One> raise you hand anyone who doesnt fit that description that spankablecyn just wrote!!!
* spankablecyn just models a new fetish outfit *grin*
<Namons> Indeed... the kind of love and adoration I've seen between a Master and sub/slave goes well beyond any love I've seen between a vanilla man and woman... just an observation mind you
* kierana{DRFL} smiles yes, Masters' love to be spoiled...
<spankablecyn> A sub does not have to be more agressive just a lil more slutty and coy, I think *shrug*
<Kilted_One> and what of the Master/slave relationships that have no love in them Namons?? there are many
<QTIP> i have stayed active in the local community. from the standpoint of even thinking of starting another relationship, i'm stuck. honestly, i'm not feeling sorry for myself. i'm just searching.
<seeria> they might like to be spoiled, but if they're down and out, would they want to keep up their end of things. They'd need a break and still be pampered I would think
<Namons> I speak of the extreme of course... there can be relationships at any level... my observation is just that when it is there it is more intense, more palpable....
<dana^^> agrees with you seeria
<spankablecyn> surprising him with a new toy purchase as a gift can be nice
<kierana{DRFL}> i can only speak from my own experience...but...when work gets on Master's nerves and He starts a blue funk i know not to bother Him with D/s issues...He likes to be pampered, but not required to respond
<seeria> aye, that's what I was referring to. Let him take a break, not have to respond as dom for a bit, but still show him support and pampering.
<Kilted_One> do you think everyone goes through it
<Namons> I think it is the absolutes that one needs to get back to when one burns out... things that will never change... you come home and there's your chair in front of the TV... your computer desk... your comfy bed... things like that..
* Kilted_One thinks that the Captain of the ship is always the Captain but he is not always on the bridge
<kierana{DRFL}> in varying degrees, KO...some ppl handle it better or quieter than others
<Namons> helping to be one of those things especially in those times would help deal with it I am sure... being looked after and knowing one doesn't HAVE to respond and the other won't take it personally...
<spankablecyn> I think if someone is not feeling well, BDSM is not foremost on their mind
<kierana{DRFL}> true, spankable
<Namons> not being taken for granted but being taken as expected.... I'm not sure I can find the right word there
* Namons nods
<spankablecyn> A Master can show indifference towards his sub, If I feel that is the case I work on how I can improve
<Namons> indifference isn't what I'm reaching for though... they want to know that they'll be looked after, even when their mental levels are AWOL
<Kilted_One> good point spankablecyn, how does this affect the submissive/slave when the master or Dom or Mistress or Domme is in Droop mode
<kimochi> i think that depends on the pre-existing relationship
* kierana{DRFL} nods
<Kilted_One> how so kimochi??
<_dove{S}> At some point in time that can adversely affect the sub, and the relationship - especially if it is D/s based
<mE-AFK> A whining subbie doesn't help matters...
<kimochi> if it's good and communication was open, the sub/slave likely feels more connected and secure, and can whether the "droop"
<kimochi> if it was not-so-good, it could bring up a lot of resentment, anger, and unresolved feelings
<kimochi> either way, i still feel that it boils down to inspiration
<Kilted_One> do you think that they will take it as a personal failing i.e. they cause it??
<Namons> A good subbie also has to recognize the point where the droop is no longer a droop but a rut....
<kimochi> perhaps - but if communication was good before, that can be discussed
<kierana{DRFL}> send Him out to play golf, or go see a hockey game with a buddy...don't rock the boat with news of a Party you want to go to
<seeria> lol
<Namons> constantly trying to keep inspired and fresh while playing can make one burn out... it won't keep the relationship going... not that I'm one to talk of relationships... but that seems logical to me
<kimochi> i meant inspiration in terms of helping one's partner overcome a blue period of time
<kierana{DRFL}> Master's job is more mentally exhausting so when He's here and i see He's getting close to burn out i tend to ask Him to do things that are relaxing for Him
<Kilted_One> is it inevitable that it will happen at some point in a relationship due to the level of edge??
<kimochi> inspirational, creative, and imaginative go a long way in that regard
<spankablecyn> Sometimes space/absence helps
<kimochi> i'd like to think it isn't inevitable
<seeria> learn to recognize the symptoms and change course before it happens?
<_dove{S}> sometimes we can't control that course
<seeria> true
<kimochi> there's a degree of ups & downs in every relationship
<Namons> considering how intense D/s can be.. I would think burnout would definitely be inevitable... but easily put off and dealt with if noticed early enough, as seeria suggests
<kimochi> i think "droop" is more than the usual downs though
<Kilted_One> would it be fair to say that it was a prolonged down
<kimochi> perhaps if a D/s couple doesn't allow for enough "normal" downs, then droop is inevitable
<Namons> yes I think we're agreeing that droops = mental burnout as a Dom/me
<kimochi> but it's healthy to say that downs are expected and normal
<kimochi> 24/7 doesn't mean "intense D/s 24/7" - that, to me, is unrealistic and asking for trouble
<spankablecyn> Having been a switch in past relationship, being Domme, It gets hard sometimes thinking for two
<kierana{DRFL}> very true, kimochi
<spankablecyn> Nothing wrong with input of ideas from a sub
<Namons> again I speak of possibilities....
<Namons> So perhaps we can think of what signs to look for? What is a precursor to Dom Droop?
<spankablecyn> indifference
<seeria> low energy? loss of interest in play? irritability?
* seeria thinks that is sounding a bit like a bad case of pms actually
<kimochi> probably very Dom/me-dependent
<Namons> But there are ups and downs in any relationship... how do we know when its just a mood swing or leading to something worse?
<krista-F> i was thinking menopause seeria...
<kimochi> but i'd say anything that is markedly different than their normal selves would merit consideration
<kierana{DRFL}> lol
<krista-F> im an expert on the subject
<seeria> aye lol
<seeria> plus what might be going on outside the relationship?
<Kilted_One> if "downs" are normal and will happen and a "droop" is a prolonged "down" how would you know if it was going to be "longer" than normal and be a droop??
<kierana{DRFL}> and at what point does a sub feel they need to get said Dom/me to a doctor?
<kimochi> i think that droop isn't just a temporal thing - i think it's also a qualitative difference
<kimochi> droop isn't just a long down
* Namons nods agreeing with kimochi
<kimochi> when i've gone thru burn-out, my entire personality shifted
<kimochi> or mood/attitude at least
* kierana{DRFL} nods
<kimochi> i really don't think it's much different between Dom/me or sub/slave
<kimochi> burn out is burn out
<Kilted_One> but is burn out droop??
<kimochi> maybe not
<kierana{DRFL}> and some burn outs need medical intervention
<Kilted_One> or simply a milder form of it
<kimochi> probably points on a spectrum
<lamby`> perhaps balance is the key...as it seems to be in any relationship
* kimochi nods
<seeria> as pointed out above, you can't always control that balance though. Perhaps work is overloading, or there was a death in the family, etc.
* kimochi nods again
<kimochi> or perhaps one's point of view has changed
<kimochi> and an aspect of one's life doesn't hold as high a priority as it used to
<seeria> change happens
<Kilted_One> is it possible that different types of relationships could be more effecting than others in producing droop??
<Namons> perhaps its just how the relationship is approached that can cause the droop... not how intense or how often it is part of their lives....
<spankablecyn> I have heard of some taking a summer off to be vanilla.....That would drive me nuts
<lamby`> certainly, external events cannot be controlled...but those that you can control could help to provide balance.
<seeria> aye
<spankablecyn> I am not BDSM 26/7 or vanilla 24/7 so I would agree that balance is the key
<kimochi> going back to a vanilla perspective with a D/s partner could certainly put one's set of priorities in view
<spankablecyn> oops swapping the 6 for a 4
<`abi> thing is ... responsibilities don't go away just because you're 'drooping' ... so what do you do about that?
<kimochi> good poitn, abi - i think that's where anger or resentment can come in ... when one person is drooping so much that responsibilities aren't being met
<kimochi> especially if it's putting a huge burden on the other
<seeria> I would think the extent of the droop would need to be looked at. Just like when you're ill, you need rest, a break.
<spankablecyn> perhaps that is why my responsibility is to run the household, control the budget and ensure all the bills are paid *grin*
<lamby`> imo, that where communication skills come in, kimochi
<kimochi> agreed
<Namons> so spankablecyn are you available? *grins as well*
<spankablecyn> *giggle* I must be doing a good job, Master plans on keeping me
<kimochi> :)
* Namons coughs, having gotten off-topic... "Good communication will be helpful in keeping "droop" away..."
<seeria> lol
<`abi> can you plan for it?
* Namons makes mental note: Have sub run the show... wait a second!
<kimochi> plan for what? keeping droop away?
<`abi> if you know that something is inevitable...I think it's possible to minimize the effects
<spankablecyn> :))
<spankablecyn> I just try to be supportive, not demanding, throw in humor and trip to Downtown Toronto does not hurt........the smell of leather.....and all
<lamby`> imo, Namons, many times submissives roles are much like executive assistant's...they do keep the show running....and it's their job to keep the boss looking good...most are very organized and very capable....and prolly why, when their Dominant droops it's that much harder for them...because if he's lost his fire, then she's lost hers.
<Kilted_One> you mean like keeping a tub of turtle icecream in the freezer for the day when you have the Blaaas only on a different scale abigaille??
<`abi> but I think that there is an onus on the Dominant to be prepared spankablecyn
<`abi> yes KO...that's exactly what I mean
<Namons> yes and as such its easier to pick out but on the other hand all the more devistating when it happens
<spankablecyn> Some Doms like surprises
<Namons> in that specific situation I mean
<`abi> I meant spankablecyn, that there is an onus on a Dominant to be responsibile for preparing to deal with droop
<`abi> much like a submissive prepares for an inevitable endorphin droop ... and hence minimizes the effect
<ModBot> There are only about five minutes left in the formal part of tonight's discussion. Does anyone have any last-minute thoughts on the subject?
<Namons> physical conditioning is much easier to plan for than mental...
<Seville{s}> yes indeed
<`abi> not really Namons .... and endorphin droop has a very mental aspect
<spankablecyn> Laughter is the best medicine
<Seville{s}> I think drrop should be countered by fluffing
<`abi> better pillows Seville{s}?
<Namons> in order to control it... but you'e controlling a bodily response...
<kimochi> or better settings on the dryer at least
<Seville{s}> that's one definition abi
<Kilted_One> Seville{s} is that similar to flossing
<Seville{s}> similar to flossing but with a different intent
<`abi> you're controlling feeling like crap Namons ... whether that comes from a physical, chemical or situational stimulus is irrelevant ... if you know to expect it, you know what will work to minimize the effects
<Namons> this is true... but comparing the two seems to minimize the problem somehow
<_dove{S}> If this droop is a "place" you've been to before, you know what works and what doesn't work for you during that time.
<`abi> and you have a responsibility to do that ... especially if you're responsible for someone else
<Namons> its semantics... not worth arguing about... I'll just agree with you on the point *smiles*
<QTIP> why is it i have the feeling that those in relationships don't have no comment about those who aren't in relationships?
<QTIP> oops
<QTIP> pardon the double negative
* _dove{S} doesn't understand the double negative post
<QTIP> i'm not in a relationship
<ModBot> Well, that's it for the formal part of the discussion. The discussion log is now closed. It should be processed and uploaded to the www.ehbc.ca website soon. Please feel free to continue chatting informallly. Have a good night, everyone!
<ModBot> Thank you to everyone who participated in the discussion.