May 18, 2003 EhBC Online Discussion
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<ModBot> Welcome to or regular Sunday night discussion. Please refrain from sending "hi" and "bye" messages until after 10 pm. Also note that the discussion is being logged. If you wish to remain anonymous, you should change your nick. Tonight's discussion topic is "The Frantic Search for a Relationship". The discussion is unmoderated. Enjoy!
<`abi> apparently there aren't very many frantic people
<earl{MS}> really big group tonight
<`abi> was your search frantic earl?
<earl{MS}> no, it was not
<`abi> so what do you think makes people frantic?
<QTIP> loneliness
* `abi nods to QTIP
<`abi> so any relationship is better than no relationship QTIP?
<QTIP> i'm not the one to ask. i haven't been in a relationship for 2 yrs
<QTIP> i guess i'm not frantic enough
<earl{MS}> this one was very lucky, met Mistress soon after joining alt, but if had to do it over again would probably have a much more difficult time finding someone
<`abi> so, you're not the frantic type either then
<QTIP> hard to say earl{MS}. sometimes things just click
<`abi> how did you know that it was the right relationship for you earl?
<earl{MS}> abi, will try to answer that...
<earl{MS}> took a couple of months
<earl{MS}> this one got ill, had a couple of heart attacks
<earl{MS}> went through open heart surgery
<earl{MS}> W/we had not know each other that well, She could have left, just gone away or sent this one away but she did not, She got even closer...
<earl{MS}> found out later that She was truely concerned and was very shaken by the whole thing
<QTIP> special
<`abi> I'm sure it was difficult for her, being so far away
<earl{MS}> W/we finally got a chance to meet about 7 months later, after having been on line and on phone only for about 10 months...
<`abi> worth the wait, I'm sure
<earl{MS}> W/we went out to eat and then to Her house, W/we had a great time over the next four days, W/we both said it was the best time of our lives (to others without knowing W/we had both said the same thing.
<`abi> so, what has kept you out of a relationship for 2 years QTIP?
<QTIP> my mother was quite ill for a few years and passed away. i was the local sib and oversaw her care
<QTIP> that took a lot of time
<`abi> doesn't leave alot of time for frantic relationships
<QTIP> as that began i had a sub living with me. we parted amicably
<QTIP> one thing i realized after mom died was that, to protect myself i naturally keep emotional "distance"
<QTIP> i don't know if that is part of my kink or not
<QTIP> it's not that i'm not intimate on more then a sexual level
<QTIP> i don't mind talking over problems in the relationship
<`abi> but you've become a little self-protective?
<earl{MS}> QTIP, may this one ask You a question?
<QTIP> Quit Taking It Personally is something i'm looking at
<QTIP> no need to ask earl
<earl{MS}> were You the One who asked Your sub to leave?
<QTIP> i did
<QTIP> i'm seeing a Kink Aware psychologist now. one of the things we're talking about is my motivation for emotional distance
<QTIP> it's an old habit.
<QTIP> very old
<`abi> one you wish to break?
<QTIP> why i asked the sub to leave was her messy nature. her dog had puked on the carpet. i noticed it when i let him out one morning and asked her to clean it up. when i let the dog out the next morning and the puke was still there, it was the final straw
<earl{MS}> it did not have anything to do with Your mother's illness?
<QTIP> that was difficult. i can't say it didn't weigh in my decision
<QTIP> as i said the dog puke was the final straw. there was more going on than that
<QTIP> as it was i helped her move. she had belongings here a year after she left. free storage. it was i who moved that stuff out.
<QTIP> she still asks me to bring over somethings she can't find...as if she doesn't own a car
<QTIP> geez
<QTIP> am i too nice a guy?
<`abi> dunno..what's too nice?
<QTIP> well, as i said, we parted amicably enough. not that she wasn't hurt when i asked her to leave. i consider myself her friend
<QTIP> but...
<QTIP> there's doing someone a favor and being taken advantage of
<earl{MS}> QTIP, if it were this one, Mistress would probably start out by saying, "Now listen slave!"
<`abi> so, aside from loneliness, what propels frantic relationship searches?
<QTIP> we weren't in a M/s relationship. she was a relative newbie. i was going slow. in truth i don't know if i have the consistancy of nature to maintain a D/s relationship
<QTIP> i like to joke around
<QTIP> i'm not always "on"
<`abi> hmmmm
<`abi> can't joke around in an M/s relationship?
<earl{MS}> and who is always "on"?
<QTIP> i've met a few who live life to an extreme which is quite rare
<earl{MS}> every one is different, got to go with what works for You
<`abi> I'm not sure that I see D/s as necessarily negating the ability to have a good time
<QTIP> hard to say `abi. some want control demanded from them more consistantly than others
<earl{MS}> abi, though it was about having a good time
<`abi> well, I don't think that having a good time negates control either QTIP
<earl{MS}> as well as other things
<QTIP> or should i have said, "control demanded of them..."
<`abi> personally, I have a great need for consistant control .... I also have a great need to have a good time
<`abi> and it seems that both are quite possible
* aliceunchained asks abi do the two not go hand in hand
<QTIP> did you hear of Dennis Rodman's latest marriage? his wife and her kids have a seperate home. he says it's best they only visit on weekends ;-)
<`abi> I don't know about hand-in-hand alice, they aren't dependant upon one another
<`abi> but they certainly can co-exist I think
<aliceunchained> no, my thoughts were that for the best experiences when the two conditions exist it is an ideal balance
<aliceunchained> those are the things i have seen in my short experience that many search for
<aliceunchained> patience during ones search is the key, if one rushes they are in for dissapointment
<`abi> QTIP ... do you think that submissives expect you to be "on" all the time, or is it something you expect of yourself?
<QTIP> i'm a 51 yr old bachelor abi. i'm not afraid to be alone. i rarely get lonely. at times what i desire is my time alone
<QTIP> it's not that i don't enjoy my time in a relationship
<QTIP> it's not that i keep myself unavailable
<QTIP> i do ask to be alone at times as well
<`abi> and do you see a BDSM partner as an intrusion into that...from an emotional perspective?
<QTIP> not at all
<QTIP> let's make the distinction between bdsm and a D/s or M/s relationship though
<QTIP> when i was just starting out i was a "do-me". i looked for other do mes to play with
<QTIP> there are quite a few out there
<QTIP> i was just learning
<QTIP> i still am ;-)
<aliceunchained> as we all are each day
<`abi> I think that eventually, we learn to see consistancy in layers
<Kilted_One> the day you stop is the day you die
<`abi> and when that happens ... there isn't such a need to be 'on'
<QTIP> now bdsm sex is interesting from both sides of do me and D/s
<QTIP> the top trains the bottom, the bottom trains the top
<earl{MS}> what of D/s without sex?
<Kilted_One> there is no need for sex in a D/s relatioship
<QTIP> i know a woman who's been with her Master for over 20 yrs. i'd consider her a human doormat. their relationship is extreme. not to my taste. but i believe she invited that type of training and treatment
<earl{MS}> Kilted_One, Your telling this one!!!
<deanna`> evening
<Kilted_One> evening deanna`
<Kilted_One> yes earl{MS}, as I said there is no need for sex in a D/s relationship
* `abi waits for the but
<Kilted_One> who's butt?? ;)
<Kilted_One> I have known a few relationships that had no sexual intercourse in them
<`abi> but I think that for a submissive ... sexual submission is often an intrinsic part of the relationship
<earl{MS}> Kilted_One, You may add this one to that list
<QTIP> i'm thinking of a couple from texas, M/s, both gay. they really don't answer much about what goes on sexually
<`abi> it's hard to separate the sexual self from the non-sexual self
<QTIP> oh..male/female and both gay
<krista-F> i have had non sexual relationships....within the D/s realm
* deanna` agrees with abi
<Kilted_One> I agree abigaille and the sexual part of it is very big for me too, but I have know D/s relationships that didnt have any sexual intercourse within the relationship
<krista-F> we related sexually on many levels.but tdid not have intercourse for a number of reasons
* `abi nods to KO ... yes, I'm not suggesting that they don't exist ... only that for most people the two things are separate, but entwined
<Kilted_One> and I guess there are levels of sexuality within the relationship as well, without going to the intercourse level
<`abi> there is a distinction between sexual and sensual as well
<krista-F> i have played casually with many different epople....if i had intercourse with all of them id be dead by now....
<earl{MS}> LOL
<`abi> but do you consider the casual play to be a sensual experience krista?
<krista-F> oh god .it can be.....
<Kilted_One> when I think about it I have had a few short lived D/s relationships that never got to the sexual intercourse level, but there was plenty of sexual content to them
<krista-F> but i am a pain slut abi.as you know
<krista-F> so....pain can often provide my satisfaction
<krista-F> depends on the person
<krista-F> my mood
<krista-F> our relationship
<krista-F> i have a Dom i play regularly with.and have for some time....i have never even kissed him intimately...
<`abi> is there an association between pain and sexual satisfaction for you krista
<krista-F> yes...much of the time.......
<krista-F> i don't process pain as most do....it doesnt hurt me the same....
<krista-F> it is more an intensity...it makes me feel alive
* `abi nods ... that's what I mean by an entwining of the sexual self with the non-sexual self ... it's often difficult to see exactly where they overlap, but they usually do I think
<krista-F> i am a very sexual person......i have to work to keep that side of myself in some semblance of control
<ModBot> There are only about five minutes left in the formal part of tonight's discussion. Does anyone have any last-minute thoughts on the subject?
<QTIP> ah control ;-)
<krista-F> im still like those teen aged boys...ruled by hormones
<QTIP> i've heard that the the intellect is the tiller...passion is the gale. for some letting go of the tiller is the joy
<krista-F> interesting analogy
<QTIP> what do you think you let go of when in scene krista-F?
<Kilted_One> how would you let go of your intellect??
<QTIP> out of the head, into the feelings KO
<`abi> by doing something f*cking stupid KO ;)
<krista-F> my control......
<QTIP> but you said you keep some semblance of control still krista-F
<krista-F> yes.......i have to..
<QTIP> what might happen if you let go completely?
<krista-F> for to do less would be dangerous......one cannot just have six with everyone...
<ModBot> Well, that's it for the formal part of the discussion. The discussion log is now closed. It should be processed and uploaded to the www.ehbc.ca website soon. Please feel free to continue chatting informallly. Have a good night, everyone!
<ModBot> Thank you to everyone who participated in the discussion.
<Kilted_One> how about 5 then krista-F <EG>