January 21 2001 EhBC Online Discussion

<BernieRoehl> Well, it's time for the discussion to start
<ravynne^> yay!
<kathryn_kw> :)
<BernieRoehl> I've set an automatic message that reads as follows:
<BraveHeart2{b}> and what is the topic please?
<BernieRoehl> Welcome to our regular Sunday night discussion. Please refrain from sending "hi" and "bye" messages until after 10 pm. Also note that the discussion is being logged. If you wish to say something, but remain anonymous, you should change your nick. We recommend using twisted.ma.us.dal.net as your server, to minimize lag. Tonight's discussion topic is "The Frantic Search for a Relationship". The moderator tonight is BernieRoehl. Enjoy the discussion!
<BernieRoehl> Way back when this topic was first suggested, the term "frenzy" was being used to describe the sudden rush to get into a D/s relationship
* bottoms_up38 wants to check if Frantic Search includes frantic for FOOD and a mate?? *grin*
<kathryn_kw> :)
<ravynne^> told ya earlier bottoms_up38 it DOES!
<BernieRoehl> (By the way, this is one of the topics that was suggested a long time ago, but no moderators came forward for it)
* BernieRoehl smiles at bottoms
<bottoms_up38> yeah yeah rav.. but i need to know from the Bossman ;)
* `vixie nudges the bowl of m&m's close to bottoms_up38
<ravynne^> tell her BernieRoehl...it does
<kathryn_kw> :)
<ravynne^> lol
<kathryn_kw> so maybe the first is why ?
* bottoms_up38 smiles... can i ask what frantic or frenzy entails?
* BernieRoehl nods
<kathryn_kw> like hard to play without a partner ? :)
<BernieRoehl> Yes, why is it that so many people (both Doms and subs) seem to be in such a hurry?
<BraveHeart2{b}> well all I can say oin the matter is that good things come to he/she who waits!!
<kathryn_kw> err good people that is :)
<`vixie> but sometimes the wait can be the most unbearable part of it all
<BraveHeart2{b}> I know it did for me and becky!
* bottoms_up38 doesnt wait well.. i need to feel proactive in my quest
<BraveHeart2{b}> or enjoyable if you play the field some
<kathryn_kw> takes time but can be hell going thru the process
<dalian> it is unbearable at the worst of times...but it serves well to wait
<pandora^^> yes but waiting can be awfully frustrating when you know what you want
<BraveHeart2{b}> true indeed
<ravynne^> yeah it sure can
<kathryn_kw> i think thats the next thing.. trying to find the right people
<Sticki> Hi Hi Hi
<kathryn_kw> do we set our sites too high
<kathryn_kw> have too many codicils or expectations ?
<BraveHeart2{b}> that could be also
<dalian> but even if we know what we want...that need in turn forces us unwittingly into relationships we normally would better stay clear from
<BernieRoehl> Too high, perhaps, or too specific (too narrow)
<kathryn_kw> eg they have to meet certain minimum requirements ?
<Stevius> Bernie, what makes you say many people are in a hurry? do you see some problems because of it?
<ravynne^> if you don't set your sites or standards high kathryn_kw...why would you EVER want to sell yourself short?
* bottoms_up38 sets my sights high.. but at this point i dont need to compromise them. Ask me in a few years if i cant find a partner *shrug*
<Sticki> `%%, `%%, `%%, Hiya bottoms_u `%%, `%%, `%%,
<BraveHeart2{b}> perhaps trying too hard scares off prospective mates!!
* bottoms_up38 giggles and agrees with BH.. i scare many Doms ;)
<ravynne^> yes BraveHeart2{b} i have been told that too
<BernieRoehl> I've known people who have jumped into D/s relationships far too quickly, and then come to regret it later, Stevius, so that gives me the sense that they were in too much of a rush
<pandora^^> i have made that mistake, but it was a very good learning tool for later
<kathryn_kw> one of the things that comes to mind.. is seeing an add like " male in search of fem sub.. no limits.. between 18 and 24 , 36,24,36.. 105 pounds .. blonde hair..
<BraveHeart2{b}> sometimes better to just let things happen and not put too many restrictions on things
<`vixie> but sometimes the relationship just seems to land in your lap, and you chase after it, enjoying every minute, not realizing how fast it is actually going
<kathryn_kw> seems a bit restricting to me :0
<bottoms_up38> Bernie.. is this about the hunt... or being too quick to accept a person and form a relationship with them?
<Kilted_One> do you think it wise to develope a sort of vannilla relationship first Bernie??
<BernieRoehl> Exactly, kathryn -- people limit their "search criteria" so much that it becomes hard to find *anyone* who qualifies
<kathryn_kw> thats my point bernie
<Sticki> okay how bout sticki lookin for woman>>>>>does that work
<BraveHeart2{b}> there has to be much much more thasn just bdsm or sex in the relationship for it to truly work
<Sticki> hehe
<kathryn_kw> and we may miss some really great people because of the narrowness
<BernieRoehl> Good question, bottoms (not that I have an answer *smile*)
<bottoms_up38> lol
<bottoms_up38> well hunting and jumping into a relationship are two separate issues ;) hmmmmm
* Sticki lookin for a woman or womans I behave
<Sticki> hehe
<BernieRoehl> I've done it both ways, KO, but I've hard much more success finding what I'm looking for within the D/s community rather than trying to "import" people from the vanilla world
<BraveHeart2{b}> yes they are indeed!!
* #bdsm-kw is being logged
* ravynne^ doesn't understand why a Dominant who is in search of a mate...doesn't want to take the time to get to know the person first like.."date"
<pandora^^> it is also hard to find one that has the same criteria as you in a D/s relationship, Y/you might not have the same needs or desires
<BraveHeart2{b}> oh importing seldom works it usually ends in hatred or some other bad feelings
<kathryn_kw> good point ravers
<bottoms_up38> if you are proactive and meet alot of people.. you increase your chances of meeting a potential partner.. instead of sitting at home waiting the One to show up at your door ;)
<kathryn_kw> and where or should you make some compromsies /
<ravynne^> i'm sorry but...most of the time when i meet Doms..its like...they see my boobs first...not ME..it kind of pisses me off
* Kilted_One shakes his head...you misunderstand what I asked Bernie....was reffin a couple in the scene establishing a vannilla relationship first so that they know that they have a solid base to work from....as most of a 24/7 is NOT BDSM
<kathryn_kw> dont blame you ravers
<kathryn_kw> seeing the boobs is natural ravers
<pandora^^> that goes in vanilla as well
<ravynne^> i'ma gonna cut them off kathryn_kw i am!!
<kathryn_kw> but going beyond that and looking for the person inside is the key
* BernieRoehl nods at KO
<kathryn_kw> nah. no need ravers
<BernieRoehl> Yes, absolutely
<`Ronin-> ...jeeeezus....
<kathryn_kw> there are so many things that go into this though
<BernieRoehl> (that "yes, absolutely" was to KO -- not ravynne^!)
<`Ronin-> ...lotta people.
<kathryn_kw> its not just gender or being dom.me or sub
<BraveHeart2{b}> no matter what the grounds for the relationship if it is going to work and work well there has to be a lot more than just one topic of interest whether it is painting modelling bondage sex or cooking!!
<kathryn_kw> its limits expectations
* Kilted_One smiles
<kathryn_kw> marital status sexual orientation..interests etc
<kathryn_kw> and thats just the bdsm aspects
<BernieRoehl> Right, I think we all agree that a longer-term relationship requires the people to have more in common than just D/s
<kathryn_kw> not getting to know each other as people
<ravynne^> it also depends on how one defines "relationships"
<dalian> perhaps my perspective is incorrect...but i find that most Doms i meet (who are also searching) are not interested in any relationship other than play
<BraveHeart2{b}> well how do you define relationship?
<kathryn_kw> i think a lot may fit that dalian but not all
* `Ronin- looks around
<BernieRoehl> But getting back to the question of "frenzies" and the frantic search... I can't help wondering why people don't take their time and explore with different people, rather than diving into a relationship right away
<ravynne^> someone that i can share my life with..not just osmeone that shares my bdsm interest
* bottoms_up38 giggles.. i explore... lots ;)
<BraveHeart2{b}> exactly ravvy!!
<kathryn_kw> perhaps that the opportunities or prospects are limited
<BraveHeart2{b}> there has to be a lot of interests on both sides!!
<kathryn_kw> eg if i dont take this one i may not find another
<`vixie> maybe they are scared the opportunity will evaporate if they don't act fast
<dalian> i like the prospect of exploration...it helps me better define my own terms of what i truly want from a potential life partner
* `Ronin- kicks back with a bag of popcorn and watches
<BraveHeart2{b}> exploration is good but for a relationship to work you must get past that!!
* BernieRoehl nods at BraveHeart2{b}
<kathryn_kw> i think another thing is that we may feel insecure.. eg..we handle this differently than vanilla
<canplay> could someone explain what "exploring" entails?
<BraveHeart2{b}> fear is a very great motivator
<kathryn_kw> a lot of us are pretty careful about trying to explain our bdsm interests.. to someone vanilla
<BernieRoehl> Can you expand on that, BraveHeart2{b} -- fear of what, exactly?
* `Ronin- thinks that the relationship interaction is pretty much the same for vanilla people as it is for everyone else
<bottoms_up38> you have to be careful.. because if you 'explore' or get to know/date too many people.. Doms get intimidated or antsy cause you are frivolous *smiles*
<BraveHeart2{b}> but of course we do how many of our vanilla friends know of our lifestyle?
<kathryn_kw> so if bdsm is part of our life we make that one of the highest priorities
<BraveHeart2{b}> no reason why not
<kathryn_kw> in vanilla we look at a a lot of different aspects of the person and the future etc
<BraveHeart2{b}> but not the only thing I stress!!
<kathryn_kw> a lot different
<kathryn_kw> yeah but if we are using bdsm as a primary focus
<BraveHeart2{b}> and of course because we confine the search to bdsm we narrow the field greatly
<kathryn_kw> a lot of the other aspects may be put on the back burner or ignored
<hogtied32> hi all
<kathryn_kw> you got it braveheart
<BraveHeart2{b}> thanks
<bottoms_up38> yup.. each criteria you need.. makes the fishing pool smaller ;)
<BraveHeart2{b}> what we need is a way to combine both not easy but possible I thnk
<kathryn_kw> its like we have to have the primary goal fullfilled first before we can look at other aspects of the person
<kathryn_kw> seems ass backwards
<kathryn_kw> definitely not easy
<pandora^^> but by narrowing the pool, then you are getting closer to what it is that you want
<kathryn_kw> and again there is the aspect of . if you dont have a partner you dont play.. in a lot of cases
<BraveHeart2{b}> let me ask this where do we tend to meet people interested in the scene?
<kathryn_kw> no fun going to a play party on your own and not playing
<BernieRoehl> Does that have to be the case, kathryn?
<BraveHeart2{b}> very true kath
<kathryn_kw> it may not be but i know it has happened to me on occasion :)
<BernieRoehl> Munches, BraveHeart2{b}, and online, and at parties
<BraveHeart2{b}> but not always the case as Bernie says
<kathryn_kw> so makes me much more eager to find someone to be a regular partner
<BraveHeart2{b}> but here again we are restricting the hunting ground are we not
<kathryn_kw> this is a bit of an over simplification but the point is valid :)
<kathryn_kw> again it can be self defeating :)
<BraveHeart2{b}> only those who know will come to a munch or in here
<Kilted_One> is there anything in the fact that we play extreme creating an extreme need/desire/want to find another mate/partner/Master/Mistress???
<BraveHeart2{b}> very much so
<bottoms_up38> kathryn... you can play without a primary partner. play with friends .. private or public ;)
<kathryn_kw> ahhh but again.. its finding those friends
<BraveHeart2{b}> sure you can but you still have to find them
<kathryn_kw> and often .. you will find your partner in that group of friends :)
<bottoms_up38> lol.. not hard to find people who will swat your butt ;)
<BraveHeart2{b}> yes but with care and compassion that's another story
<kathryn_kw> lol i will get the list from you after bottoms of those available :) lol
<bottoms_up38> k kathryn! *giggles*
<kathryn_kw> :)
<BraveHeart2{b}> it takes time for a master/mistress to assess a bottom's potential
<kathryn_kw> or a bottom to assess the master/mistress's
* bottoms_up38 smiles to BH.. there are alot of caring and compassionate people.. who you can play with.. you just dont want them as a primary partner ;)
<kathryn_kw> its a two way street
<BernieRoehl> I wonder if part of the rush to find a partner comes from peer pressure
<dalian> it also takes time for a sub/slave to assess a Dom/Master's potential as well ;)
<kathryn_kw> well definitey pressure :)
<kathryn_kw> not necessarily peer.
<kathryn_kw> i think a lot of it comes from within
<ravynne^> it could BernieRoehl..and also the desire or need to please..*from a subs po*
<Achilles{tr}> Pressure to have a collar to be 'real'? A primary partner being a validation in itself perhaps?
<BraveHeart2{b}> I think you hit the nail on the head pressure from within is at the root of all the problems
<dalian> perhaps it comes from wanting to experience those deeper feelings of connection
<BernieRoehl> Yes, Achilles, exactly -- a sense of validation
<BraveHeart2{b}> if there is no pressure to enter collared then play will take place on a more casual basis
<BernieRoehl> And pressure because so many other people are partnered up
<kathryn_kw> well on a personal level part of the pressure is that i am a bit selfish and greedy
<Opal``> validation of what?
* fire^runner^ loves being single...
<kathryn_kw> i want to be one of the ones on the spanking bench or cross :)
<BraveHeart2{b}> which is perhaps a way fo getting to know people better
<canplay> that need of validation comes from within and not from peers IMHO
<kathryn_kw> so i put pressure on myself
<fire^runner^> not sure i understand the pressure....if it is meant to be it will happen...
<BraveHeart2{b}> that's not a problem kath
<pandora^^> from my perspective it's not pressure because others are partnered up, but the need for control in my life, i feel as though i am in some sort of purgatory without it
<Achilles{tr}> The pressure is just to get spanked and be one of the active 'players'? To not be a wallflower?
<canplay> i agree pandora
<dalian> good point pandora
<kathryn_kw> hmm not the wallflpower exactly
* fire^runner^ is a wallflower then...
<kathryn_kw> more of a need i think
<fire^runner^> there should not be pressure to get spanked to be with someone...
<kathryn_kw> a desire a yearning ?
<bottoms_up38> agree with kathryn... a need to play instead of always watch ;)
<kathryn_kw> hard to put it all into words
<BraveHeart2{b}> hey I will spank any ass that comes along no obligation hehe
<kathryn_kw> exactly bottoms
* bottoms_up38 waggles my butt at BH :)
<ravynne^> lol
* fire^runner^ giggles at bottoms_up38
<kathryn_kw> been there done that . voyeurism is kewl but there is a lot more :)
<Achilles{tr}> Is casual play as satisfying as partnered play? Is it the same thing?
<canplay> i thought topic was rushing in to relationships, not jumping at play partners
<ravynne^> no its not but it does give some kind of satisfaction
<fire^runner^> i think partnered play is better..in causal play how can one have the mental stimulation?
<bottoms_up38> nope Achilles.. but it CAN meet a few basic needs.. to help you survive while you wait for the One ;)
<BraveHeart2{b}> see what happens with an innocent offer hehe
<Achilles{tr}> So there IS a desire to find that partner to go to that 'next level' of play satisfaction?
<subbmissive_beauty> it can also get you into emotional trouble when play turns more intense for one then the other
* bottoms_up38 is actually getting negative feedback from the Doms i meet.. because i want to take it slow, get to know the vanilla person, not play privately/intimately
<kathryn_kw> i think more intimacy grows in partnered play
<BraveHeart2{b}> so it's not just a desire to get one's butt whacked??
<kathryn_kw> its a natural evolution :)
* BernieRoehl nods in agreement with subbmissive_beauty
<this_lil_kitten> my theory on it all, is that as a sub or Dom/me, without a Dominant or submissive, how can you satisfy that strong desire to be what your heart tells you you need to be to be happy? It goes way deeper than play, it has to do with security, fulfilment/completion and happiness.
<fire^runner^> I think any singel person has a "desire" to be partenered...doesnt mean it is a need tho....
<kathryn_kw> lol bottoms wish i was your dom :)
* bottoms_up38 smiles at kathryn and hugs ;)
<kathryn_kw> :)
<fire^runner^> ohh this_lil_kitten i disagree...a sub can have security, fullfillment happiness..without a Dom..or a partner...all they can do is enhance what the sub has...
<ravynne^> but some see control as a need fire^runner^
<Achilles{tr}> Speed of emotional growth. Speed of intimacy development. Speed of play level increase. Aren't all these factors of communication and compatibility? Finding your partner is partially finding common levels of interests in these and other aspects of developing the relationship?
<BraveHeart2{b}> a lot see it that way ravvy
<BernieRoehl> Yes, fire^runner^ -- that's true
* ravynne^ agrees with fire^runner^ on that point
<ravynne^> i always thought that was what a Dominant was supposed to do...not make our lives miserable...making us needy ...and so on
<kathryn_kw> there is a lot involved.. it sure isnt cut and dried :)
<fire^runner^> there is a big difference between a need and a want..i dont need a partner to be happy fullfilled...i think that kind of need leads to co dependency and is not healthy...for any relationship...
<BraveHeart2{b}> security from for what this_lil_kitten?
<this_lil_kitten> true fire, i didn't mean to say one is incomplete without, but as a submissive without a partner, you're a submissive who isn't being given the chance to submit, or at least for many, it's not having that opportunity with the desired frequency or stability provided by a relationship
* bottoms_up38 stomps my foot at the needs and wants issue.. i need and want everything *grin* ;)
<BraveHeart2{b}> don't we all
<kathryn_kw> lol
<fire^runner^> lol bottoms_up38
<ravynne^> lol bottoms_up38 :)
<Achilles{tr}> Fair enough bottoms. Would that be today or would tomorrow be OK? <grins>
<BraveHeart2{b}> but we seldom get it all
<bottoms_up38> hmmm NOW would be best ;)
<kathryn_kw> lol
<pandora^^> i thought that you were a submissive because you were a submissive, it's just what you are, not whether you have a Master or not
<Achilles{tr}> imagine My astonishment bottoms. ;)
<this_lil_kitten> security in having a partner who you know cares for you, in knowing that person *will* be there for you and only you when you drop...
<BernieRoehl> So, a side question then, for the submissives -- how do you fill that void when there is no source of control and guidance in your life?
<BraveHeart2{b}> ah someone who understands
<fire^runner^> agreed this_lil_kitten but that doesnt mean i am going on the active search or pressuring myself to find a partner...~looks to bottoms_up38 thinks of her lecture~
* bottoms_up38 winks at Achilles :)
<kathryn_kw> go crazy bernie.
<BraveHeart2{b}> phsycollogically we are what we are
<kathryn_kw> commit murder and mayhem :)
<ravynne^> good friends BernieRoehl :)
* BernieRoehl smiles
<subbmissive_beauty> CRY ALOT
<BernieRoehl> So we have a range of answers, then :-)
* ravynne^ winks at kathryn_kw or become a brat
<ravynne^> lol
<nymazoiay{DA}> I find that filling it requires myself taking control of day to day things. Silly I suppose but that is all I can come up with
<BraveHeart2{b}> oh don't do that
<subbmissive_beauty> damn shift key
<this_lil_kitten> fire, it's different for all, which is why I say "for some"
* bottoms_up38 grins at fire runner.. being proactive isnt a negative. Do you expect the right person to come knocking on your door .. dressed up as a knight in shining armour? *grin*
<nymazoiay{DA}> probably over kill sort of control
<kathryn_kw> i am very good at being a brat:)
* fire^runner^ looks to bottoms_up38 no..but i refuse to go chasing after anyone..even someon like Him...
<kathryn_kw> i think part of it also is that.. we all get tired of the fakes and flakes we run into in the search
* bottoms_up38 laughs.. depends what you call chasing ;)
<canplay> i think finding ways to better myself for that time when i find that special someone, perhaps cooking courses, working out, crafts etc, gets mind off loneliness too
<pandora^^> filling the void when without a Master, is like being single in vanilla, you just have to get on with life
* bottoms_up38 agrees with canplay.. i like that ;)
* fire^runner^ winks to bottoms_up38 will tel him that when i see Him tuesday..kk...
* nymazoiay{DA} agrees with pandora^^
<fire^runner^> agreed pandora^^
<this_lil_kitten> I never found it a void, really, Bernie, more like a difference parallel to having "enough money" and being comfortable... on an emotional scale, though
* bottoms_up38 winks back... a step in the right direction ;)
<BraveHeart2{b}> well remember what I said at the beginning people?
<BernieRoehl> So, after being unattached for a while, do you find that you leap at opportunities that you might not otherwise?
<kathryn_kw> i think anoher aspect is we get a bit nieve when we first get intot this
<kathryn_kw> we have this glowing sense of being treated with honesty and truth... and trust
<ravynne^> depends on the opportunity given BernieRoehl
<dalian> i have found that Bernie...and found it to be a huge mistake later
<kathryn_kw> and often in the search that gets stomped on
* this_lil_kitten is a picky little thing; not really Bernie
<BraveHeart2{b}> depends on whom you are with does it not
<nymazoiay{DA}> I believe having taken many of those Leaps lately.. that i have simply become more... brave.
<kathryn_kw> so it also makes us want a relationship even more
<fire^runner^> I have been unattached for awhile..and i dont leap...i am too old for that....i want to get to know the person..see if we have similiar interest outside the bedroom and BDSM..man you know sex is good..really good..but it doesnt last long..when its done...we better have more interests to discuss...
<pandora^^> no BernieRoehl, i have been unattached for a while, but i prefer to take my time and find One who is right for me rather than justjumping into something where the end result is that i will get hurt
<BraveHeart2{b}> hey leave my nick out of this hehe
<bottoms_up38> hmmmm i think i have the opposite problem.. i date/meet so many people.. i dont put enough focus on getting to know a particular person and find out if they are the right one for me. The dating frenzy (with food of course) ;)
<kathryn_kw> cant forget the food :)
<this_lil_kitten> what I did notice though, was being single for a year didn't bother me, I wasn't looking at all. After about 2, that really changed. I don't recall feeling any more or less lonely, but I felt as though it was the right time to start looking for someone...
* canplay thinks bottoms sounds like poor lil rich girl syndrom ;)
* bottoms_up38 smiles at canplay.. brat ;)
<kathryn_kw> some of us still have the idea that the relationship.. will solve all the problems too
<this_lil_kitten> I didn't dive in with unholy determination, but just slowly began to consider it with people I met.
<kathryn_kw> there wont be lies or fakes or flakes
<BraveHeart2{b}> no it won't
<BernieRoehl> Yes, kathryn -- the relationship as magic cure-all
<fire^runner^> a relationship is hard..and alot of work ....doesnt make things easier..just means you have to share your bed
<canplay> not really a brat bottoms, i can see that as a problem, it just sounds funny that you have such a problem of too many : ))
<kathryn_kw> trust and honesty will abound etc etc etc :)(
* fire^runner^ is not ready to share her bed
<BraveHeart2{b}> both have to work at a relationship to make it happen
<ravynne^> you need a bigger bed fire^runner^ *giggle*
<kathryn_kw> :)
* this_lil_kitten has a twin bed, often shared with a Dom, a 2 year old and 2 cats...
* fire^runner^ grins..is big enough..for me!
<BraveHeart2{b}> it is a totally two way street
<canplay> it is nice to see so many are content with being alone, and just waiting patiently , not rushing
<BernieRoehl> Yes, it is good to see
<fire^runner^> and is a good excuse to say...no you cant spend the night...i dont like sharing my bed...
<kathryn_kw> i think we get to the point that for a lot of us we find that way works the best
<kathryn_kw> so things happen naturally
<fire^runner^> agreed kathryn_kw
<kathryn_kw> no pressure
<BernieRoehl> So, what about the Doms (and Dommes)... do you feel the same need to find a submissive partner?
<dalian> i've certainly learned to wait patiently and to not rush into things...but i dont always agree with it being something of contentment
<this_lil_kitten> canplay, there's a difference between "looking" and just plain diving in with the intent of finding someone ASAP, though
<BraveHeart2{b}> so perhaps what we need is a place where singles in the scene can meet and play on a regular basis with no commitment until they are ready!!
<bottoms_up38> hmmm i wonder if i just talked to the wrong people... i had this vision of alot of the community getting involved very quickly or playing very quickly
<ravynne^> some do bottoms_up38
<kathryn_kw> i think there are those that do but not as many as we may suspect
<kathryn_kw> its not a game for most of us :)
<kathryn_kw> but it is for some
<kathryn_kw> so its the sensation of the moment that is the focus for them
<bottoms_up38> i wasnt thinking game.. so much as just wanting it too much and jumping in, etc
<kathryn_kw> you can see them at the fet night fashion shows on a monthly basis :)
<bottoms_up38> sorta like vanilla sluts having sex .. looking for love
<BraveHeart2{b}> that does happen unfortunatley
* BernieRoehl listens for all the Doms to speak up, hears silence.... :-)
<pandora^^> but that is the same in other (read "vanilla") areas of life, there are always those that just want to get laid
* Kilted_One felt a need to be with a "partner" but was in no rush to put a KO_lar on her neck.....really feel that it is too important to work on the "relationship and the feelings within it" before that happens so that you can tell where you stand
* bottoms_up38 grins.. heyyy i am a public play slut.. but thats not the same as relationships ;)
<kathryn_kw> agreed pandora
<Opal``> there aren't many Dom's in here.. so maybe it isn't much of an issue.. or maybe the SuperBowl is still on
<BraveHeart2{b}> very true
<kathryn_kw> lol Opal
<bottoms_up38> lol.. true Opal
<BraveHeart2{b}> naw almost done
<BraveHeart2{b}> ravens kicking but bigtime
<ravynne^> go ravens *giggle*
* BernieRoehl nods in agreement with Opal, checks the TV, changes the channel, sees the SuperBowl
<ravynne^> :X
<BraveHeart2{b}> 34 - 7
<fire^runner^> SEE!! perfect example..no superbowl happening in this house! grins
<kathryn_kw> and i agree with dalian earlier.. contentment is not a word i would use to describe the situation either :)
<ravynne^> none in this house either fire^runner^ :)
* Sardaukar_ has never felt the "Need" to be with some one, but when the chemistry and intrests are such that the pcs fit so well there is nothing left to do but continue to the next level...when it is right it is right
<BraveHeart2{b}> yes I agree with you totally that is how it is with becky and me
<this_lil_kitten> oh, SAME here... I'm on the computer for a reason LOL
<kathryn_kw> pretty hard trying to use a flogger on yourself Sardauker :)
<pandora^^> yes well Survivor starts at 10 p.m.
<BraveHeart2{b}> that's another waiste of time
<pandora^^> lol, but fun
<kathryn_kw> lol
<BernieRoehl> Another question, this time for those who are relatively new to the scene...
<BraveHeart2{b}> bunch of blowhars looking to make a name for themselves
* ravynne^ listens to BernieRoehl's question
* Sardaukar_ but kathryn that is not a need for Me.... play is just an extra ...O/one must be satisfied with O/ones self before anything else can be attained or achieved
<BernieRoehl> Do you feel any pressure (from outside or inside) to enter into a D/s relationship?
* `vixie felt that pressure from the inside, still does to an extent
* fire^runner^ agrees with Sir Sardaukar_
<pandora^^> no, i only do what is right for me
* becky{BH2} agrees with Sar completely
<Opal``> only in that other relationships seem kinda dull now
<bottoms_up38> i have a need to feel that control... it is a pressure. But i contain it cause i am picky and have alot of other needs. i get the steam blown off from public play. There is pressure though.. from inside.
<dalian> i can't say that i've felt pressure in regards to a relationship...but most definately in regards to play
<BernieRoehl> So you feel a strong need to play, dalian?
<BraveHeart2{b}> what would you all do if a relationship started with a vanilla person?
<breathes_through_his_ears> pressure no burning curiousity yes
<kathryn_kw> hmm where is the nearest bridge :)
<yummier> i feel that pressure from the inside, but part of me knows I need to experience more before I enter into a relationship - but then how do you get the experinece......adveritse for "play partners"?
<ravynne^> BraveHeart2{b} you convert them slowlly lol
* ravynne^ grins
<BernieRoehl> That's a question that a lot of new submissives face, yummier
<kathryn_kw> i have the same pressurre as dalian in the pressue to play
<dalian> hmm now that you say it Bernie...yes, simply because i'm left with the impression that in order to learn in the lifestyle...i "have" to do this to gain experience...which may be needed in a furture relationship
* becky{BH2} need no conversion *g*
<BraveHeart2{b}> if that is possible
<kathryn_kw> i figure the relationship will happen when its meant too
<BraveHeart2{b}> exactly kath
<fire^runner^> me too kathryn_kw
<pandora^^> i look at pressure to play as being like pressure to have sex, play is something that i would only do with someone that i care about and could trust
<canplay> Blu and i knew each other were into lifestyle, but dated 2 months as vanilla before first scene
* fire^runner^ looks to bottoms_up38...grins
<ravynne^> i have found that pressure was within a small gruop of people..that if one didn't play publicly...they were not real...
<BraveHeart2{b}> my advice is don't force it let it happen on it's own
<yummier> jumping up and down sayig "whip me, whip me" seems a little dangerous
* bottoms_up38 pokes fire ;)
<kathryn_kw> lol
<BraveHeart2{b}> for sure Yummier
* bottoms_up38 eeeeks and smiles at yummier.. i did that last fet night ;)
<Kilted_One> good point canplay..what is wrong with dating and romancing before getting into things in a BDSM way??
<BraveHeart2{b}> could get one into serrious trouble
<yummier> how did it work out bottoms_up38?
<bottoms_up38> great.. it felt good. Ask Bernie.. at public fet nights i pester people .. sweetly.. to play ;)
<BraveHeart2{b}> oh do you now!!
* BernieRoehl offers to tape a "spank me" sign to yummier's back :-)
<kathryn_kw> lol gotta love it bottoms :)
<BernieRoehl> And we are happy to oblige, bottoms :-)
* bottoms_up38 smiles happily.. if i dont play, i get grumpy.. simple. How does one hunt if one is grumpy? ;)
<yummier> thanks BernieRoehl, I might take you up on that or maybe I should take self confidence lessons from bottoms_up38
<kathryn_kw> lol she is a good teacher :)
* BernieRoehl smiles at yummier
* ravynne^ nods she is!
<ravynne^> and a great friend btw ;) hugs bottoms_up38
<bottoms_up38> shhhh... ;)
<ravynne^> oops
<kathryn_kw> lol
<ravynne^> w/w..they weren't supposed to see that were they???
<BernieRoehl> Well, according to the clock there's less than five minutes left in the discussion
* ravynne^ grins
<ravynne^> it goes fast eh BernieRoehl?
<BernieRoehl> Anyone have any closing comments?
<BernieRoehl> It sure does, ravynne^
<BraveHeart2{b}> take it one step at a time and be patient
<kathryn_kw> well it was a good discussion lots of points raaised
<bottoms_up38> just take your time... do vanilla first.. date.. COURT... and learn each other in steps. That way there is a chance to have a lifetime instead of a few months with a person ;)
<kathryn_kw> some good stuff
<BraveHeart2{b}> well all I can say on the matter is that good things come to he/she who waits!!
* ravynne^ says be true to yourself...dont undersell yourself and be pressured into anything you don't wanna do, all good things happen in time :)
* fire^runner^ waits and waits and waits...grows old..turns grey...
<DarkAngel^{nym}> I agree with BraveHeart2{b}
<kathryn_kw> lol fire
<BernieRoehl> Well, thanks everyone for participating in tonight's discussion
<BernieRoehl> I'm going to close the log now, and start processing and uploading it
* bottoms_up38 growls and fire and nudges her in the right direction ;)
<Kilted_One> our play is extreme....our needs dont have to be
<BraveHeart2{b}> yes it was a good one
* fire^runner^ winks at bottoms_up38 seeing him tuesday..hes nice....
<dalian> funny...its always the ones who have found the right partners that seem to say "good things come to those who wait"
<canplay> thanks Bernie :))
<BraveHeart2{b}> good job Bernie
<bottoms_up38> well give him to me if you dont want him, fire ;)
<Kilted_One> good job Bernie
<Johncin> thanks Bernie