January 18, 2004 EhBC Online Discussion

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<ModBot> Welcome to or regular Sunday night discussion. Please refrain from sending "hi" and "bye" messages until after 10 pm. Also note that the discussion is being logged. If you wish to remain anonymous, you should change your nick. Tonight's discussion topic is "Balancing D/s and Real Life". The discussion is unmoderated. Enjoy!
* shado hands out scales to everyone to get the discussion rolling.......
<spirited_sassy{CP}> welllllllllll who wants to start
<spirited_sassy{CP}> ok we can start with who lives the D/s real time/
<breathlessbeme> i do
<private_beauty{CP}> does anyone find it hard to balance D/s and real time?
<MasterGuny> nope
<breathlessbeme> yes,it can be
<jewel`{F}> i think that parts of D/s are also part of "real life"
<MasterGuny> Ive been doing it so long I just have it blended and never think much about it
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i agree jewel`{F}
<jewel`{F}> there are somethings that are just part of your daily routine that are there because of the D/s relationship
<spirited_sassy{CP}> the only part of D/s that interfers in real life is scening and discipline at times
<jewel`{F}> the power exchange can be there all the time and not be obvious to outsiders
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i don't find it difficult to balance the 2
<jewel`{F}> nor do i
<spirited_sassy{CP}> if you are truly Dominant and submissive it is who you are
<breathlessbeme> do either of you have children...and if so how do you relate lifestyle choices to them?
<Nameless_Until_Notified> well since I am here I will put My 2 cents in....I do not have a D/s relationship outside of the events I have been partaking in the last year...but now that My son is moving out.,..I will have more time and space to persue that option.....I would rather have him here...but..it is time to live for Me now
<spirited_sassy{CP}> we have 2 children one is mine and one is private_beauty{CP}'s
<jewel`{F}> there are times that one has to be realistic with expectations, as in i am to call Master at 11:30 at work, but if i am at work myself, or having to do something with the kids then the call time is shifted
<jewel`{F}> when Master is around, my girls know that He has a bit more control over mom, and have taken advantage of it at times too
<spirited_sassy{CP}> kids seem to know
<spirited_sassy{CP}> my son is aware of my lifestyle
<private_beauty{CP}> i have a daughter and i find that most of my lifestyle choices really don't involve her however, the power exchange is not something you can keep from kids
<spirited_sassy{CP}> nope you can't
<arhiannah> having kids is a PRIME example of power exchange...lol
<breathlessbeme> i guess im just looking for ways to fit a new thing like D/s into the life and relationship ive built with my children
<spirited_sassy{CP}> it isn't that difficult
<breathlessbeme> some of them are ok with it,but a few seem to have problems with the whole idea
<`abi> how old are they breathlessbeme?
<breathlessbeme> the youngest is 14 the eldest is 29
<`abi> well, do you feel like you need their approval?
<_dove> good question abi
<breathlessbeme> only the two youngest are at home
<spirited_sassy{CP}> good question
<breathlessbeme> if i have a r/t relationship in which i give up power,it has to affect their lifes too
<`abi> a question that wasn't meant as an attack ... it's just something to think about if you're trying to decide what place to give it in your life
<`abi> everything you do affects their lives ... do you think it will have a negative effect?
<breathlessbeme> the,,,,dynamics in the home change...i didnt take it as an attack.
* `abi smiles...good
<spirited_sassy{CP}> the dynamics in our house didn't change.....
<spirited_sassy{CP}> the physical stuff just isn't in front of the kids
<breathlessbeme> im just not sure how to get them to understand that my giving control to a man doesnt mean that im giving up control to them
<`abi> that's easy ... you treat them the same way that you've always treated them
<spirited_sassy{CP}> my answer exactly
<breathlessbeme> they have always seen me in control..i think it confuses them
<KingJR> My kids are fully aware of My relationship with My sub and the dynamics of it
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i'm still the boss of my kids
<`abi> you are still in control...of all the things that affect them directly
<`abi> and they're old enough to see that
<`abi> they may not understand it
<`abi> they may not agree with it
<`abi> they may not even like it
<`abi> but ultimately, they will respect it
<spirited_sassy{CP}> yes they will
<breathlessbeme> thank you....you have been helpful.
<jewel`{F}> my oldest liked my collar, thought it was really cool, that mom was cool, then she found out what it really meant, and it was ewwww
<breathlessbeme> lol
<jewel`{F}> but i think that is more the age, she is 14 and having any parent as a sexual person is eeewwwwww
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i wear a everyday collar in the way of a anklet....no one knows but me
<_dove> true - parents are supposed to be "dead" lol
<breathlessbeme> thats quite true
<shareena> no one is chatting?
<private_beauty{CP}> i think the hardest part of balancing the two comes from friends and family who seea change in the dynamic of your relationship but don't understand it
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i agree
<jewel`{F}> does anyone else find they have to balance or change anything with regardes to the D/s relationship for work reasons?
<spirited_sassy{CP}> it doesn't affect my work
<shareena> it doesn't affect my work either
<private_beauty{CP}> those who have no idea it can be hard to get them past believing it is some form of abuse
<jewel`{F}> the relationship itself doesn't affect my work, but work requires i wear a uniform, that uniform isn't something that would be allowed were it not for work
<shareena> we are careful around family and friends who are not in the lifestyle
<jewel`{F}> i am expected to wear skirts or dresses, and my uniform is pants, so He is realistic in that regard
<spirited_sassy{CP}> we use eye contact and nodes of the head to get things across when we are in mixed company
<jewel`{F}> so much can be said in a look
<private_beauty{CP}> some things though are hard to drop around friends and family
<`abi> I think that understanding myself as a submissive has had an effect on the way I work
<shareena> we use eye contact and sometimes he squeezes my arm
<shareena> just to let me know to stop whatever it is I am doing/saying
<private_beauty{CP}> in what way abi?
<`abi> it took me a long time to associate my professional strengths and weaknesses with my nature as a submissive
<`abi> understanding that has helped me to use and compensate accordingly
<`abi> as an example ... having an innate desire to please makes me good at service, lousy at confrontation
<jewel`{F}> being in a customer sevice oriented business i find being submissive helps,
<spirited_sassy{CP}> oh me too abi
<`abi> being strong makes me inclined to end up in leadership roles, when I'm really better at supportive roles
<spirited_sassy{CP}> yes and i have come to work that to my advantage in my work place also
<`abi> and the discipline and focus required to be the kind of submissive that I want to be ... I've learned to use that in other places in my life as well
<_dove> If anything, discovering my submissive side has made me stronger in my career, and i am in a leadership role
<shareena> how has it done that _dove
<_dove> Hard to explain, but i think it gives me a better understanding of why some (my customers) need to feel that they are in control
<_dove> in a backward way, i "top from the bottom"
<`abi> or you understand their motivation
<spirited_sassy{CP}> in my line of work ....it has helped me recognize the Dominant and submisive clients and react to them accordingly
<_dove> Yes abi, that's a good way of saying it
<Johncin> understanding is the key
<spirited_sassy{CP}> true
<Johncin> the ability to read people
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i think if you know who and what you are...it works with no difficulty
<spirited_sassy{CP}> but if you play at it.....that is where the problem comes in
<Johncin> as in what problem spirited_sassy{CP}?
<spirited_sassy{CP}> the balancing
<`abi> I think it's a different balance spirited_sassy{CP} ... I know people who practise what I call 'recreational BDSM' and balance it quite happily
<`abi> I think it's a question of understanding what you need from it
<spirited_sassy{CP}> yes i agree
<spirited_sassy{CP}> but you have to be aware of what you want and need
<`abi> for sure ...sometimes figuring that out is the toughest part
<cynful_cynthia> I would think it would be harder to balance it if you were sub 24/7
<spirited_sassy{CP}> no it isn't cynful_cynthia
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i do it
<_dove> i think it's easier when i don't have to separate being submissive from being me
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i can't separate submissive from being me cause it is who i am
<_dove> same here spirited_sassy{CP}
<jewel`{F}> i think it is actually easier to balance if D/s is part of your daily live, be you living together or not
<cynful_cynthia> not being submissive 24/7 is being me
<spirited_sassy{CP}> so it all boils down to understanding what you are and what you need
<_dove> well said spirited_sassy{CP}
<`abi> but what you can separate ... and most of us do to some extent ... is the way that you interact with the world ... that's the balance that can be tricky to achieve
<`abi> how much of 'who you are' do you hide and from whom
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i don't hide who i am
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i am who i am.......at least i don't think i do
* cynful_cynthia is more masochist than sub, I do hide it from family members because I know them and in knowing them I know they would find it disturbing
<spirited_sassy{CP}> i have always been the submissive even when i didn't know what it was
<spirited_sassy{CP}> actually it use to make my mother angry
<spirited_sassy{CP}> lol
<private_beauty{CP}> is it really a matter of hiding it though or just knowing when it fits and when it doesn't?
<`abi> so the trick becomes to balance who you are, with what you are comfortable having the world see in a way that somehow let's you have personal integrity and still negotiate the world the way you need to
<private_beauty{CP}> exactly abi
<spirited_sassy{CP}> exactly
<jewel`{F}> bingo abi
<cynful_cynthia> play parties are a wonderful outlet
<`abi> they can work extremely well in satisfying masochistic needs cynful_cynthia ... they aren't always so helpful if you have a need to manifest submission to some degree in your life
<ModBot> There are only about five minutes left in the formal part of tonight's discussion. Does anyone have any last-minute thoughts on the subject?
* aymelek agrees whole heartedly `abi
<spirited_sassy{CP}> to me play parties are just a social event and if a scene happens great
<jewel`{F}> agreed spirited_sassy{CP}
<private_beauty{CP}> i agree with abi, i mean if your not a masocist then getting your submissive needs met at a play party is difficult
<spirited_sassy{CP}> true private_beauty{CP}
<`abi> works pretty darn fine for the masochistic parts though
<private_beauty{CP}> you certainly won't not go and submit to everyone there
<private_beauty{CP}> lol well this is true
<_dove> no, but You can submit to your Dominant
<aymelek> if you have one
<private_beauty{CP}> yes but i submit to Him all the time parties are no different
<ModBot> Well, that's it for the formal part of the discussion. The discussion log is now closed. It should be processed and uploaded to the www.ehbc.ca website soon. Please feel free to continue chatting informallly. Have a good night, everyone!
<ModBot> Thank you to everyone who participated in the discussion.