January 16, 2005 EhBC Online Discussion

<ModBot> This message is generated by Moderator Bot, ModBot for short. I've set an automatic message that reads as follows...
<ModBot> Welcome to or regular Sunday night discussion. Please refrain from sending "hi" and "bye" messages until after 10 pm. Also note that the discussion is being logged. If you wish to remain anonymous, you should change your nick. Tonight's discussion topic is "Telling Your Friends (and Family?)". The discussion is unmoderated. Enjoy!
* `abi{A} would say hello, but doesn't want to cross the ModBot
<jewel`{F}> so how many people have told or been found out by nilla friends and familyl?
<bondagebabe> not me...
<bondagebabe> i moved here in June, and don't know anyone here...*grin
<jewel`{F}> i had a rather unplanned coming out to my daughter
<bondagebabe> how did it go?
<jewel`{F}> interestingly
<jewel`{F}> she was out babysitting, did the channel surf thing, ended up watching Kink
<bondagebabe> and?
<jewel`{F}> so when she came home she asked a few questions, so i answered her, giving her bare minimum of information, as well as telling her when something she was asking was private
<bondagebabe> so what was she asking you about that would indicate it had to do with you?
<jewel`{F}> she asked specifically about my relationship with Master
<bondagebabe> so she recognized the terminology....
<jewel`{F}> was more the "jewelry"
<jewel`{F}> she saw a collar that looked like mom's choker
<bondagebabe> ah...yes..
<jewel`{F}> which was why she stopped to watch the show
<jewel`{F}> prior to that, she just thought mom was cool
<jewel`{F}> now mom is weird
<bondagebabe> i remember my father talking about watching Kink, and my husband and i shared a private laugh across the dinner table, thinking we know WAY more than him...lol
<bondagebabe> of course, we couldn't tell him that...lol
<jewel`{F}> over all, the family and friends see us as having a very old fashion relationship, man in charge
<Lukky1> hello...
<Lukky1> has this discussion started yet?
<jewel`{F}> sort of,
<jewel`{F}> we stalled
<Switcharoo4u> I told a friend of mine (from back home) who tolerated it, but didn't want to know much more.
<Switcharoo4u> That's it though.
<Switcharoo4u> It was easy to start up in the lifestyle here because I just moved here...
<Lukky1> I guess the tough part is if you tell 'just a friend'... and that relationship takes a turn for the worst, it could be used against you...
<jewel`{F}> used how Lukky1?
<Switcharoo4u> and I wasn't worried about "running" into anyone I already knew who would spread it to others or use it against me.
<Switcharoo4u> He is still a good friend...
<Lukky1> if they know other people in your circles, they could put out a bad word - as you likely know, not everyone understands our choice
<jewel`{F}> i do remember someone asking me if i was worried about it ever being used against me by my girls dad, replied to them it is hard for him to use it when he is doing the same thing
* `abi{A} has so far run into an employee, her accountant and several customers ... and not had any resulting problems
<Switcharoo4u> I heard a story about someone running into a friend of their daughter's who was waitressing a munch and she obviously knew what the group was about because of the reservation.
<jewel`{F}> chances are if you run into someone you know at an event they are there for the same reason you are, so have as much to worry about you saying something as them saying something about you
<Switcharoo4u> I don't know if anything happened in this case, though.
<Lukky1> some people may work in occupations that may be comprimised by knowledge of this lifestyle.. teachers, gov't people, police, for example..
<jewel`{F}> get lots of those out Lukky1
<Switcharoo4u> I think that the kink lifestyle is getting more mainstream than it was.
<Switcharoo4u> lots of people would just say "whatever floats your boat"
<jewel`{F}> my daughter likes to borrow some of my things, cause she likes the look of them, they are cool for a fashion statement
<Switcharoo4u> for example, I saw a lot of coverage on the "everything to do with sex" show in TO.
<Lukky1> I agree it is getting more and more popular, and I have spoken to several people who "wish" they could come out with it.. but are scared to explore
<Switcharoo4u> I don't recall seeing this much exposure in the past.
<Switcharoo4u> Has anyone had any experience trying to tell their parents?
<Lukky1> I think it is quite a popular fantasy many people have, they just don't have the information or resources to follow...
<dan> I found that I was not ready to "come out" until I had first figured out that I was "in". That took about 30+ years to figure out . . .
<Switcharoo4u> wow!
<Switcharoo4u> going agains ModBot...Hello Johncin - the discussion is going rather slowly tonight...lol
* Johncin smiles at Switcharoo4u
<Switcharoo4u> Johncin - Have you had any experiences telling vanilla people about your lifestyle choice? - I put Johncin on the spot...
<Johncin> no, haven't done that
<Lukky1> I tend to put out feelers first... soem people jump right in and tell me about their own fantasies... others say they are not really interested in 'that type of thing'.. so with them, I let it go.
<Lukky1> I was talking with one friend of mine a couple of years ago, and he told me that he read the "Story of O" over 20 years ago - but it has never realized itself as more than a fantasy for him.... still!
<Switcharoo4u> While visiting a cousin in Florida, and driving around getting a tour, I saw a sign that said "FET SHOP"
* `abi{A} chuckles...just a little?
<alilbitbent> :P
<Switcharoo4u> I said to pull over, and when our cousin's husband started spewing different things my wife and I got a good private laugh out of it...
<Switcharoo4u> our cousin then said we had to stop because their son was in the car...lol
<Switcharoo4u> that was the end of that...
<Switcharoo4u> she never admitted whether she knew what we were talking about, though...lol
<bondagebabe> i think she knew more than you think...lol
<Switcharoo4u> very likely...
<Switcharoo4u> her husband sure did...
<bondagebabe> maybe she didn't....lol
<Switcharoo4u> I would like to shout it from the rooftops so that I can answer the question "so, what's new with you?" honestly
<Switcharoo4u> now I can only say "not much..."
* `abi{A} smiles...so...."what did you do this weekend?"
<alilbitbent> i recall, when i was fresh out of the closet, telling two close friends about my orientation over beers.... it was nice to talk about it then, but now that i look back, probably shouldn't have said anything at all.
<Switcharoo4u> to answer the question for you (`abi{A}), where do I begin...lol
<Switcharoo4u> were there any repercussions alilbitbent?
<Switcharoo4u> or did they just avoid it like the plague?
<alilbitbent> i wouldn't say repercussions Switcharoo4u... but looking back at it... they really didn't need to know. It didn't change our friendship.. but between men, it was too much information i think.
<`abi{A}> I kind of take it on a case by case, need to know basis
<alilbitbent> something i realize now abi... funny how when you're fresh out of the closet though, you really feel volnerable
<alilbitbent> scuze the spelling
<Switcharoo4u> yes, me too `abi{A} - this is what happened with the one friend that I told - he is probably the most kink-understaning friend I have
<Switcharoo4u> that's not in the lifestyle that is...
<alilbitbent> anyone not tell certain family members because of age and understanding?
<Lukky1> it is always a tough choice... to tell or not to tell. I agree with the 'need to know'...
<jewel`{F}> my one brother knows, not sure if he told any of the other family or not
<bondagebabe> i hope none in my family ever "need to know" lol
<`abi{A}> my father still doesn't know that I have sex ... he doesn't need to know this
<alilbitbent> :)
<alilbitbent> my father thinks homosexuality is a sickness... so i certainly wouldn't expect him to understand bdsm.
<Lukky1> I think my Dad would look at it... with an interest... still has a lot of life left in Him!!!
<Lukky1> Mom, on the other hand... ;-)
<`abi{A}> it's a little hard to predict ... I told a brother who I thought would understand and didn't ... and I told another relative who I thought really wouldn't, but who did
<bondagebabe> it's funny how you think you know someone, and then find out you really don't
<bondagebabe> i told my oldest, bestest friend (who knows all other things about me), but she just can't fathom this...and we haven't spoken in months
<`abi{A}> my children all know ... and their approval ratings vary
<alilbitbent> i think we confide in close friends and relatives... because all our lives we feel different and lack the intimacy to share our thoughts with.
<Lukky1> I am sorry to hear that bondagebabe... I hope things get back to normal soon...
<Switcharoo4u> that's most of my problem bondagebabe - the idea that someone would look at you and say to themselves "I don't even know that person - what else don't I know?"!
<bondagebabe> i doubt it...i didn't realize how close minded she was...and yet her son is gay and that is okay to her....funny how that works, eh?
<Switcharoo4u> she will likely come around bondagebabe.
<bondagebabe> both my husband and i are very open and have a great relationship, and i think better than most couples, and yet she can stand in judgement that what i am doing is wrong...lol
<Lukky1> yes, it is.. sorry to hear that... I hope she comes around... you have a lot of history wiht her... it shouldn't all go
<bondagebabe> i figured i would give it awhile, and then call her, and act like it never happened....that is probably the only way....
<bondagebabe> unfortunately, do i want a friend like that?
<`abi{A}> generally speaking, people disapprove of what they don't understand and therefore fear ... the further outside their own experience it is, the more likely they are to judge
<bondagebabe> true...i did try to explain it to her, but i am afraid that i just made it worse...
<bondagebabe> i don't think she wanted to understand...
<`abi{A}> probably not ... neither did my brother .... and if someone doesn't care enough about me to try to understand something so important to me, then that tells me more about them than about me
<bondagebabe> true...that is why i let it go for so long...she is the one that has to come to terms with it, not me....so we shall see if the phone rings...
<bondagebabe> i can't now pretend to be something i am not, just so i can be a friend to her again...what kind of person would i be? what kind of friend could i be?
<ModBot> There are only about five minutes left in the formal part of tonight's discussion. Does anyone have any last-minute thoughts on the subject?
<`abi{A}> and I think you're right alilbitbent... the closer someone is to me, the more likely I am to want them to know
<alilbitbent> feeling alone with this is the absolute worst.. but hasty decisions about who to tell sometimes backfires too.. it's tough.
<bondagebabe> well, i certainly didn't think it was a hasty decision to tell my friend, after all, we have shared everything in the past....so why should this have been any different?
<`abi{A}> you're not alone my dear....you have us
<alilbitbent> lol.. and it's a sanity i couldn't live without lemme tell ya
<bondagebabe> true...but it is sad when you have such a dividing line in your life...those who know and those who don't ...those who understand and those who won't
<`abi{A}> in fact, I've found that as my circle of kinky friends has grown larger, my circle of vanilla friends has shrunk in some perverse sort of natural attrition way ... so as time goes on, it becomes less of a factor
<bondagebabe> true...i am finding that since i only know kinky friends here in Kitchener, it is like my old life (vanilla) back home, and a whole new life here...
<bondagebabe> kinda refreshing, actually...shed the old skin, start anew
<alilbitbent> just to be able to exhale sometimes is all i need.
<`abi{A}> I have less and less in common with vanilla friends .... vanilla gatherings feel downright surreal
<ModBot> Well, that's it for the formal part of the discussion. The discussion log is now closed. It should be processed and uploaded to the www.ehbc.ca website soon. Please feel free to continue chatting informally. Have a good night, everyone!
<ModBot> Thank you to everyone who participated in the discussion.