(copyright © 2001, released under a Creative Commons License)
In this article, I’m going to explore the process of negotiating a scene. While much of the information will be useful to people who have already been involved with each other for a while, the focus will be on the far more difficult task of negotiating with a new partner for the very first time.
The idea behind pre-scene negotiation is that two people are working together to find something that they both enjoy and derive satisfaction from. Unlike most negotiations in the “real world”, the goal is not to try to “get the upper hand” or gain as much as you can while giving up very little. The outcome of a good scene negotiation is always going to be “win-win”, since both of you will be getting your needs met.
Not everyone is compatible. That’s just a fact of life – the range of things you’re interested in and the range of things someone else is interested in may not overlap. Being attracted to someone as a person is not enough by itself, there has to be a set of activities that you both enjoy in order for the encounter to happen at all. For example, two Dom/mes may be attracted to each other, but neither one may want to switch. Remember that there’s no guarantee of mutual compatibility, and realize that not all negotiation ends up leading to play. Do not take it personally!
Just as there is no “one right way” to do a scene, there is also no “one right way” to negotiate a scene. Find your own approach, and adjust to your (potential) play-partner’s style as well.
Negotiation can be fun! Don’t skip it, or gloss over it, because you think it’s boring. Negotiation can be part of the dance.
The most important thing in negotiating a scene, particularly for a submissive, is to be honest about your needs, your limits, and your level of experience. Do not try to impress your partner by “padding your resume” – you could easily find yourself getting in over your head. Most tops will respect someone who’s direct and up-front about what they have and haven’t done, and will work within that and along its edges.
Do not agree to something that you don’t want to do, even if refusing may lead to an impasse. You’re better off not playing than doing a scene you won’t enjoy. Remember – it’s always okay not to play!
Have a clear head while negotiating! Just as you shouldn’t play while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, you shouldn’t negotiate in that state either.
On a similar note, do not negotiate “in role”. Negotiate as two people, not as a Dom and a sub, since the sub is very likely to say yes to things that she or he really doesn’t want to do, simply because the Dom has told them to. The D/s dynamic is every bit as potent as a drug – you wouldn’t negotiate while stoned, so don’t negotiate while droppy or toppy.
Also be sure to leave a little time between the negotiation and the scene itself, so that you have time to calm down and evaluate whether you really want to do all the things you just committed yourself to. You can always change your mind.
Don’t assume anything! All you can rely on is what your potential play-partner tells you. Just because she got paddled last week doesn’t mean she wants it this week, and just because she let another top play with her clit during a scene doesn’t mean she’ll want you to do it. Negotiate everything.
Don’t come in with a “shopping list”. Remember, it’s all about finding areas of mutual interest, not about getting all your own individual needs satisfied. A bottom with a long list of things she wants the top to do is just limiting the top’s options and “scripting” the scene. Think in terms of limits, not lists of specific activities you want to do. By the same token, tops should not come in with the attitude of “if I can’t do thus-and-such, then I don’t want to play at all”. There are lots of things to do beyond your existing repertoire.
Try to set as few limits as possible, while still protecting yourself. Too many limits can make for a really awkward and stilted scene, since the top has to think through that list before picking up each new toy.
How to Express an Interest in Playing
Try the direct approach – talk to the person, tell them you’re interested, and see what the response is like. Ask the person once – don’t be a pest! If they’re interested, they’ll tell you, so don’t keep asking them over and over.
You should test the waters through casual conversation first, and perhaps consider talking to mutual friends to gauge your potential partner’s level of interest in play.
All communication consists of a series of interchanges. Each interchange consists of one person offering some information or a suggestion, and the other person offering an acknowledgement. Negotiating a scene is often a very intense experience, which involves revealing some deep inner desires and personal information. It is therefore very important that the acknowledgements be very positive and supportive. Avoid being judgmental, no matter what the person tells you. It may not be your kink, but don’t make them feel bad about having it.
Most negotiation happens before the scene begins. However, negotiation can and should be a process that continues during the scene itself. A top may wish to push some of the boundaries slightly (within the hard limits the bottom has set), or a bottom may change their mind part way through the scene, and wish to withdraw consent for a particular activity. It is therefore essential that you continue to pay attention to your partner during the scene, and remember that negotiation is an ongoing process.
Obviously, you need to agree on a set of safewords. When in doubt, go with green/yellow/red. During a scene, don’t hesitate to ask for (or offer) a color. That’s what “green” is for!
Establish hard limits, and soft limits. Most people would probably agree that the first time you play with someone is not the time to be pushing their limits. However, one important exception is if the submissive has sought out a particular Dom because he or she is known to have specific skills. For example, a submissive who has never been caned, and is scared of the cane, may seek out someone particularly skilled with it for their first experience.
It’s often a good idea to ask a submissive “are you owned?” before playing. Not all submissives wear collars, so be sure to check before proceeding. Of course, the submissive should be pro-active and offer the information if it’s not asked for, especially if they need their owner’s permission before playing.
When playing with someone else’s property, be sure to check with their Master or Mistress to see which of you will be providing post-scene aftercare. For many submissives, the aftercare is what produces a strong emotional bond, so Doms who lend out their submissives may reserve the right to provide the aftercare themselves.
A scene may involve a lot of different elements, and not everyone wants everything. Make sure you agree on whether or not the scene will involve any or all of the following:
· restraint (what kinds or restraints?)
· physical play (what sort of toys?)
· sensual play (touching, caressing)
· sexual arousal
· orgasm
· penetration (fingers, toys, cocks, etc)
It’s very important that everyone involved agrees on which of these elements is going to be part of the scene. Miscommunication about these things is surprisingly common. If someone says “If I don’t have an orgasm, then I’ll be incredibly frustrated after the scene” and their would-be partner says “I have no interest in doing anything that’s going to give you an orgasm”, then the two of them should not be playing with each other! They should play with other people instead, so they can each get what they’re looking for instead of wasting each others’ time on a scene that (at best) would only be satisfying for one of them.
There are a number of questions you can ask here – so many, in fact, that it’s impractical to list them all. A good general question to ask is “What medical conditions do you have that may affect the scene?”. This places the onus on the other person to be forthcoming about everything, rather than you having to play a guessing game and hoping you don’t miss anything important.
Among the things that may get mentioned are allergies, joint problems, bad back, bad knees, asthma, heart problems and STDs.
Also in this category would be “What emotional or psychological issues do you have that may affect the scene”? Again, leave it up to them to volunteer information – don’t go on a lengthy “fishing expedition” while you try to probe their psyche.
Among the things that may get mentioned are phobias, bad associations with certain toys (belts, for example) or bad reactions to certain words or phrases (such as being told that they’re stupid or unattractive).
If you’re squicked by particular activities, make sure your partner knows that up front.
There are a lot of questions to ask. Among them are…
· Are you more of a Top or more of a Dom? (More of a bottom, or more of a sub?). This will affect the “style” or “tone” of play.
· How much experience have you had? (If they make extensive claims, check their references – talk to others who have played with them)
· Are you comfortable being completely naked? If not, what would you like to keep covered?
· Do you expect some element of power exchange during the scene? Do you expect the submissive partner to be obedient and respectful? Do you expect the use of honorifics (“sir”, “ma’am” etc)
· Are you okay with having others invited into the scene? If so, do they need to be of the opposite gender, the same gender, or does it matter?
· How long a scene are you expecting? (Specify this as a range, not a “target” number of minutes). Factors here include things like whether or not either of you has other commitments that evening, as well as endurance, fatigue, and so on.
· Do you like to struggle? How should resistance (physical and/or verbal) be interpreted? Some submissives get aroused by fighting back and being overpowered, while others will wonder why you kept going when they were obviously pulling away or fighting against you. You both need to be on the same page about this.
· What about “brattiness”? Some Doms think it’s cute, others can’t stand it. Don’t be a brat if it’s not what your partner is looking for! If you can’t turn off the brattiness, go play with someone who enjoys it.
· Marks – are they acceptable? If so, where (i.e. what parts of the body) are they acceptable? Common answers are “anywhere”, “anywhere that’s normally covered by clothing”, or “anywhere that’s covered by a swimsuit”.
· If sex is involved, how safe do you want it to be? There are various degrees of safety, and you need to find a level you’re both comfortable with.
· How concerned are you about general hygiene and cleanliness of toys?
· For percussive (i.e. impact) play, do you prefer “sting” or “thud”?
· How do you feel about being blindfolded?
· How do you feel about being gagged? While gagged, what will be your “safe signal”?
· How do you feel about verbal humiliation? What kind of words should be used, and which should be avoided? (common choices include “cunt”, “slut”, “prick”, “worm” and so on). What about insults (stupid, ugly)?
· How do you feel about embarrassing/humiliating activities? (examples include kneeling, crawling, being on a leash, wearing anal plugs, over-the-knee spanking, being made to stand in the corner)
· Are you into roleplay? If so, what kind?
· Are you into ageplay? If so, what age?
· Are there things you've always wanted to explore, but never had the chance to?
· What other activities do you like/dislike? (a BDSM checklist can be handy for this)
After negotiating, either you or your intended partner may come to the conclusion that there just isn’t enough common ground for a scene to be worthwhile. This means that you need to develop two brand-new skills – how to say “no” politely, and how to accept a “no” with good grace.
If you’re the one saying no, don’t make it abrupt – let your reluctance be clear early on in the process, to avoid giving your partner-not-to-be any false expectations. If you’re the one receiving the “no”, accept it with a smile, and move on.
While it’s true that you don’t want to negotiate “in role”, there’s nothing wrong with making the negotiation process exciting and fun. Don’t just pull out the checklist, ask for a medical history, and show them a selection of floggers. Make it a flirtation, a seduction.
Negotiation is about communication, and communication means both talking and listening. It also involves watching, and paying attention. Talk to the submissive, suggest possibilities, and watch their reactions. Words are very powerful, and the way you say things is at least as important as what you say.
If you mention “taking her over your knee” and she reacts by blushing and looking at the floor, then expand on that by adding “and pulling down your panties before spanking your bare bottom”. If the “over-the-knee” reference doesn’t have much effect, try something different. Let your play-partner-to-be’s reactions guide you.
Don’t be the one doing all the talking! Let your partner talk, and listen very closely to what she says. Don’t just listen to the words – listen for the subtext. What does she really mean? What does she really want?
Negotiation is about communication – so communicate! The most frustrating thing for a Dom/me to hear is “whatever pleases You”. That sentence is completely devoid of any useful information. Remember, Dom/mes are not mind readers! If you aren’t sure what you want, that’s fine – but don’t just give them carte blanche! Give them a starting point, a hint as to what you might like to try.
Some Dom/mes demand formal etiquette, others don’t care. When in doubt, be polite and respectful – those who expect it will be pleased, and those who don’t certainly won’t object to it. Don’t be a brat unless you’re very sure that’s what the Dom/me wants.
Try not to seem “pushy”, but don’t hesitate to indicate your interests.
I hope this brief summary comes in useful when you go to negotiate your next scene. Remember – like everything else, negotiation is a skill that gets better with practice. So get out there and start negotiating!
Bernie Roehl has been involved in the world of BDSM for over 20 years, and is
actively involved with the EhBC group (www.ehbc.ca). He can be reached at broehl@ehbc.ca