(copyright © 2001, released under a Creative Commons License)
In our previous issue, I gave a brief introduction to roleplaying. The focus was very much on light, playful scenes of the “doctor/nurse”, “teacher/student” or “pirate/princess” variety. While those scenes are fun and potentially quite erotic, it’s possible to go a lot farther and explore some deeply emotional territory.
The material we’ll be dealing with in this issue won’t be as light-hearted as in our previous column. It will be a lot harder, in two senses of the word. Harder as in having a harder edge to it, and harder as in more difficult to do. Keep in mind that this sort of thing is not for everyone. There are risks involved, risks that you need to be aware of before engaging in this sort of scene. There can be lasting consequences to your relationship with the person you do the scene with. If your partner in the scene is also your partner in life, you may want to think long and hard before exploring the things we’ll be discussing in this article.
These scenes are obviously very emotionally grueling for the submissive, but they’re difficult on the Dominant as well. One of the struggles that faces every Dom is the idea of hurting someone they love. Going beyond physical play and into the extreme power dynamics we’ll be examining in this article is even more challenging.
If it’s so difficult and full of risk, why do it at all? To understand the answer to that question, we have to look at the way we all live our lives in this organized, structured, sanitized society we’ve created. The vast majority of people out there in the world spend their entire lives living in a very narrow range of emotions – happiness, disappointment, mild frustration. The more powerful emotions, such as fear, lust, anger, revulsion and many others are discouraged. We’re not “supposed” to get angry or scared or express any other negative emotion, and so we learn to suppress those responses.
Ironically, we then spend a tremendous amount of time and money watching other people experiencing those very emotions, on stage or screen or television. We watch sad movies so we can share in the sorrow and grief of the characters on the screen. We read romance novels so we can vicariously enjoy the lust and desire the characters feel for each other. We watch professional wrestling to see a reasonable simulation of anger and violent rage. We starve ourselves for emotion in our daily lives, and then seek to feed that hunger by watching others.
Those of us who explore various aspects of BDSM are taking a bold step. We are choosing to experience a wide range of emotions ourselves, rather than relying on proxies. We try to connect to that primal part of ourselves that enjoys hurting or being hurt, that revels in suffering (ours or someone else’s). We mostly do this through physical “play”, but it’s possible to get there in other ways as well. And that’s the subject of this article.
I’m going to examine three different roleplaying scenarios. There are lots of others, but these three will serve to give some idea of the possibilities. Unlike last issue’s scenarios, none of these require any special props or costumes or settings. They do require some planning and preparation, both in terms of discussing the scene with your partner ahead of time and in terms of working out the logistics.
Anyone who has ever watched or participated in an interrogation scene knows that they are emotionally difficult for everyone involved. The premise is simple – one person has information, the other person wants it. The methods that are used to extract that information can be quite varied, and can include both physical and psychological inducements.
Interrogation scenes are long, much longer than a purely physical scene. They can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. To be effective, they often involve multiple interrogators working in shifts, since part of the process involves manipulating the sense of time of the person being interrogated. A room with no windows adds a lot to the experience, since after just a few hours the submissive begins to lose track of what time of day it is. If they fall asleep, wake them up. If they’re wide-awake, then leave them in the dark until they begin to doze off, then wake them.
The key element of interrogation scenes is that the interrogator is in complete control, and the person being interrogated has no control at all. Basic decisions about when to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom are taken away. Physical discomfort is obviously a large part of the process. It goes without saying that the submissive should be bound so as to take away any freedom of movement.
When planning what you’re going to do, keep in mind that you want to go to extremes. You can blindfold someone, or you can use uncomfortably bright lights that make sleep impossible. You can use space heaters that keep the room hot enough to make them sweat, or leave the room cold, and periodically douse them with ice water. You can constantly bombard them with questions, or leave them alone with their thoughts for long periods of time. You can be generous, and give them something to eat or drink, or you can leave them without sustenance for hours. One of the major goals is to create a sense of absolute powerlessness in the submissive, and the more you control their physical condition the greater that sense will be.
Threaten, and follow through. If you say to them “Think about it. I’ll be back soon, and if you still don’t cooperate, I’ll ….” and then describe something nasty and unpleasant. When you come back, do exactly what you threatened you would do. Repeat that cycle several times, so they know that your threats are real. Escalate the threats, so each one is something more extreme. Each time, they’ll think to themselves “they wouldn’t really do that… would they?”. After a few cycles, the fear that each threat invokes will be substantial, since they know that you mean it. Leaving them to think about what’s going to happen to them when you return is often more effective than the action itself.
Always keep safety in mind. Make sure the submissive is in good health, so that nothing you do will put them at risk. Even if you leave them “alone” for hours, don’t go far (and never leave the building). A baby monitor is an excellent idea, especially if they don’t know it’s there.
Spend some time researching interrogation techniques. Obviously you don’t want to do anything that causes permanent harm, but short of that almost anything is fair game.
Interrogation scenes end when the person being interrogated decides to give the interrogator the information they’re looking for. In a sense, it’s a natural “safeword” that they can use whenever they need to. That’s what gives you the freedom to use whatever techniques are available to you, since you know they can make it stop whenever they want.
Kidnapping scenes require massive amounts of planning. They require a well-organized team of people, precise timing, and good choice of location. And of course, they’re dependent on knowing the schedule of the kidnap “victim” well enough that you can nab them quickly and with a minimal amount of fuss.
One big challenge is obtaining consent for a kidnapping scene, yet still have it be a surprise when it happens. It’s a good idea to let some time go by (months, possibly) between discussing it and actually making it happen. The emotional impact of the scene is strongest when it’s completely unexpected.
The logistics of the kidnapping itself are complex. Simply grabbing someone on the street runs the risk that passers-by might think it’s an actual crime in progress, and dial 911 on their cell phones. Not exactly the way you want a scene to end! One good option (if it’s available) is to kidnap someone from their home. Assuming that the person organizing the scene has access to the home of the victim, the kidnap team can already be in place when the person comes home (much like planning a surprise party). After giving them time to get comfortable, the team goes into action. They might make some slight noise, in order to get the attention of the person and get them to look around their house. The moment when they realize that they’re not alone, that someone is in there with them, they’ll feel a cold shiver of fear down their spine. Don’t let that moment last too long, though – move quickly, and overwhelm them.
There are several ways to handle the “kidnapping” itself. Simply tying them up, blindfolding them, and tossing them in the back seat of a car is the simplest. You can use the trunk instead of the back seat, but it’s risky. If they end up in distress, you won’t be aware of it until you arrive at your destination. If you use a car trunk, don’t bind and gag them. If you bind and gag them, then it’s safest to just toss them in the back seat and cover them with a blanket to avoid attracting attention.
Either way, you should spend some time driving around until the “victim” is disoriented. Keep in mind that time will pass more slowly for them, so ten minutes may seem like half an hour. If the location is nearby, you may want to drive around aimlessly for a bit in order to give them the impression that they’re much farther away than they actually are.
The goal of a kidnapping scene is to create fear. While the person being kidnapped is 90% sure that this is a scene and not the real thing, that last 10% is what makes it work. Remember that the “victim” is participating in this, and that they want to believe that it’s real. If you can make it seem “real enough”, they’ll do the rest of the work for you. Willing suspension of disbelief is what lets us experience films and television programs as “real”, and it applies here as well.
A few well-chosen words and some physical roughness will have the desired effect – a blend of fear and excitement and arousal.
Now, some words of caution. Always keep safety in mind! If you have any doubts as to the safety of what you’re doing, don’t do it. Make sure that the person being abducted knows what safeword to use, and make sure that every member of the team is aware of what that safeword is. Make sure that everyone is listening for it, and if anyone hears it, they call “safeword” so the others know too. The difference between an exciting adventure and an actual crime all comes down to consent, so it’s important to make sure that the consent is there before proceeding and that the scene ends if consent is withdrawn.
Rape fantasies are extremely common. Studies have shown that many women fantasize about being overpowered, pinned down, and “forced” into sex. Quite often the fantasies involve being taken by a complete stranger, or by multiple men. While none of these women would actually want to be raped by strangers, many would like to experience some of the thrill with none of the danger or risk.
In some ways these scenes are easier to stage than kidnappings or interrogations. However, the emotional repercussions of a rape fantasy that goes badly are far more serious than in the other scenarios. As with many of the things we do, the reality can be quite different from the fantasy, and you need to keep your partner’s emotional well-being in mind at all times. You also need to monitor your own feelings, and make sure that you’re okay with things every step of the way. Remember, Doms have the right to call safeword too, and this particular fantasy is one where you may need to.
The first decision you have to make is whether you’re going to do the deed yourself, or get the participation of one or more other people. The safest course is to do it on your own the first few times, before getting anyone else involved. Once you’re ready to take that next step, you need to decide who to get.
Certainly there’s more of a rush if it’s someone the submissive doesn’t know, but using real strangers has a much greater element of unpredictable risk. You’re best to stick to trusted friends, but from a practical standpoint it’s often hard to find someone who is unknown to your partner but still a close enough friend of yours that you trust them with this sort of scenario.
One solution is to use a blindfold or hood, so the submissive won’t know who her “attackers” are. It also lets her imagine them to be whatever feeds her fantasies best. You may even choose to have your team leave the scene before you remove the submissive’s blindfold, so as not to spoil whatever images your partner has conjured up in her mind.
This also has the added benefit that every time your submissive sees one of your friends at some social function, she’ll wonder if this man has already been intimate with her body. Even if only two or three of them have been, she’ll never know which ones they are. It certainly adds an interesting texture to her interactions with all your friends.
Again, keep in mind that your own reactions to the scene, both during it and afterwards, may be unpredictable. You may think that you’re okay with watching the woman you love get gang-banged by a group of men, but it’s entirely possible that you’ll have negative feelings about it afterwards. Keep an eye on your own reactions, and always remember that this was a fantasy that you chose to enact. Never blame your partner for a choice that you yourself have made.
And that brings us full-circle to the subject of emotion. The scenes we’ve described here can produce feelings of fear, anger, dehumanization, objectification, degradation, guilt, and jealousy. They can leave someone feeling ecstatic or brutalized (or both at the same time). They’re profound power exchanges, far more extreme than simply tying someone up and flogging them. While the excitement and passion that comes from giving way to these emotions can be a very positive experience, it can also be a very negative one.
And of course, safety and consent are even more important in these scenes than in other types of play. Virtually everything we’ve described here would be a criminal offense if done to someone who was not a willing participant, so the person organizing the scene has a responsibility to ensure that there is ongoing consent.
You also have to be willing to deal with whatever after-effects there may be to your relationship, and to yourself. You may find out things that you didn’t realize about yourself before, and how you then process that information and integrate it into your own self-image is an important issue. However, it’s one that will have to wait for another time. Speaking of which…
Next Issue
Our two-part series is going to grow a third part. In our next issue we’ll be opening the Pandora’s Box of our own kinky souls, and examining why we do what we do. Why are we Dominant or submissive? Why do we do the things we do? While we may not have all the answers, we do have a few, and that will be the subject of the next issue. See you then!