Finding a Play Partner

Finding a Play Partner

By Bernie Roehl

In the past few issues of Whiplash, we’ve talked about things like how to put together a toybag, how to set up a dungeon in your home, and how to negotiate a scene. All of this is fine and good, but where do you find a partner to actually play with in that well-stocked dungeon of yours? In this article, I hope to give you a few suggestions.

Keep in mind that not all of these ideas will work for everyone, and there are good and bad aspects of each one. I have my own favourites, but you should definitely choose the methods that are most likely to work for you.

The Internet

In the old days (circa 1980 or so) it was much more difficult to find a partner than it is today. People would take out personal ads in contact magazines and occasionally in newspapers, using all kinds of subtle key phrases and acronyms to hint at what they were looking for. Sometimes they would meet someone who would know someone else who could introduce them to someone they met once at a party. It was all very hit-and-miss, and it could take a long time to find someone with compatible interests.

The modern-day descendant of personal ads and contact magazines is the internet and the world wide web. There are literally dozens if not hundreds of web sites that are set up for the purpose of people meeting people and getting to know one another, and many of them have special sections for kinkyfolk like us. There are even some sites (such as alt.com and bondage.com) that are aimed specifically at the BDSM community.

There are two basic ways of meeting people online: personal ads and online chats. Each has their advantages and disadvantages.

Personal ads are easy – you can either browse the existing listings, and send email to the ones that catch your eye, or you can place an ad of your own and wait for responses. If you feel comfortable posting a picture, you’ll certainly get more replies than if you don’t. However, keep in mind that the Dom/sub ratio online is usually very unbalanced. Female Dommes will typically get more responses than they can even reply to, whereas male subs are lucky to get the odd message now and then. Male Doms do reasonably well, but female submissives can wait a long time before getting a message (unless their ads are very explicit). See the sidebar on “Writing a Personal Ad” for some tips.

Chatting online, using programs like mIRC, can be a relaxed way of getting to know people’s personalities. In conjunction with personal ads, online chatting can help you really get to know someone before deciding you want to invest any time and effort in meeting them.

Meeting people online does work, but as anyone who’s tried it can tell you, there are many downsides to it. Not everyone is honest about who they are and what they’re like, and the same anonymity that protects you and your privacy can also serve to cloak some strange and scary people.

For every success story you hear about couples who met online, there are literally dozens and dozens of people who had much less positive experiences. No-shows are commonplace – people will agree to meet someone, and then not show up. Maybe they got cold feet at the last minute, maybe they panicked when they recognized you from their PTA meeting, or maybe they never intended to show up in the first place. If they do show up, they may be nothing at all like they claimed to be. In some cases, they may not even be the same gender as they said they were online. There are also cases of 14-year old kids on their parents’ computer pretending to be adults. This can not only lead to disappointment, it can also lead to jail time! If possible, stick to those systems that verify everyone’s age before letting them online.

Also be careful about traveling to meet someone from the internet. It’s called the “world-wide” web for a good reason – there are people from all over the world, so you may have to travel quite a way to meet the dominant or submissive partner you’ve been looking for. There are cases of submissives flying literally cross-country to meet some Dom they met on the internet. They almost always come back disappointed and disillusioned after meeting the person face-to-face, since the “perfect Master” from online turns out to be just another human being, rather than the near-demigod they thought they knew from a chatroom.

That’s one big difference between contact ads and the internet. With contact ads, there may be one or two phone calls or letters, followed by a face-to-face meeting. With the internet, an entire relationship can develop online that has no basis in the real world. When reality finally hits, it’s like the person on the internet has simply ceased to exist. For some people, it can come as quite a blow.

Of course, there are also safety risks with meeting people on the internet. See the sidebar “Safe First Meetings” for some hints on how to avoid ending up stuffed in a barrel under a farm in Kansas.

The Telephone

Another popular approach these days are the so-called “phone friends” systems. They give you a chance to chat with someone by actually talking to them, rather than emailing back and forth. While many of the same caveats apply as with the internet, there are some advantages to the phone lines. For one thing, they tend to be much more local – the people you’ll be chatting with are typically in the same city as you are, which makes it easier to meet. No hopping on a plane to fly to Los Angeles, you can just hook up at the local Tim Horton’s. The fact that you can hear the person’s voice means there is less chance of someone misleading you as to their age or gender.

Of course, there are still risks with meeting on the phone lines. At least with the internet, you can email each other pictures to see if there’s some basic physical attraction before going off and meeting each other. With the phone lines, all you have is a disembodied voice.

Munches

Because of all the problems with meeting people through the internet and the phone lines, many people these days choose to meet at social events run by their local BDSM communities. Every sizeable city now has one of these, and they’re very relaxed and casual environments. Everyone dresses in everyday street clothes, and there’s a minimum of attitude. There’s usually a “greeter” (official or unofficial) who’ll welcome you and introduce you around. It’s a very low-stress way to meet a number of people at once, and start gradually forming friendships. Those friendships can eventually lead to finding potential play-partners.

The downside is that it’s a slower process. With the internet or the phone lines, you can meet someone and be playing with them later that same day. With munches and brunches, you have to get to know people before they feel comfortable enough to introduce you to potential partners. The upside, of course, is that you are no longer meeting anonymous strangers – you’re meeting people who are known by other people in the BDSM community. That means the risks are lower, there’s less chance of being misled by an ad or a voice on the phone, and the odds of having a positive first encounter go way up.

People are usually nervous at their first munch. They’re worried about running into people they know, or about being recognized by other restaurant-goers and therefore identified as “kinky”. Fortunately, the munch groups are usually quite discreet about the purpose of the get-together, so nobody outside the group will know what it’s about. And if you do see someone you know there… well then they have something in common with you, don’t they? You’re on an equal footing, and they’re no more likely to “out” you as being kinky than you are to do that to them.

Of course, some people find social situations nerve-wracking, especially when they don’t know anyone. There are some tips later on in this article on how to make a positive first impression.

Fetish Nights

Not only are munches commonplace, “fetish nights” now happen in every major city. They’re usually run by a bar or nightclub, often in conjunction with some local fetish store or BDSM organization. They’re very “low-commitment” – you can just walk in wearing appropriate clothing, pay the cover charge, and start mingling. If you’re comfortable in the club scene, this may be the easiest way to meet potential partners.

Of course, there are some problems with this approach. The first is the clothing – you can’t just show up dressed in street clothes, you have to invest in an outfit that will fit the theme. That can get expensive very quickly. The cover charges can also be pretty steep in some cases. And of course, because it’s open to the public, there’s no guarantee that the people at the event are actually kinky. They may just be “tourists”, coming out to gawk at all the people in their leather and latex. You might meet an attractive person who looks like they’re into the scene, only to find out much later that they’re “not into all that weird bondage stuff” at all.

Most of the people at fetish nights are into a different kind of “S&M” – Stand and Model. Finding someone who’s serious about BDSM at a fetish night can be like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack.

Play Parties

Play parties are harder to find, and harder to get into. They differ from fetish nights in that they’re not open to the public – they have a guest list that gets checked at the door, and if you’re not on the list, you don’t get in. This eliminates the tourists and gawkers, and ensures that everyone you meet at the event is actually involved in the BDSM scene. There’s also less likely to be a stringent dress code, so you can show up in basic black and fit in just fine.

However, getting invited to such a party requires that you be known by other people in the local BDSM community. You can do this by attending munches and getting to know the locals. Don’t push too hard, just take your time and let them get to know you. It’s like meeting a dog for the first time – they kind of want to sniff you a bit before they let you rub their belly.

Once you know a few people, and get invited to a play party, be cool. Don’t come on too strong, or people will regret ever inviting you. Just be there, hang out, chat, watch people play, and try to casually let people know that you’re looking for a partner.

Through Friends

Speaking of making friends… that’s a good way to start, no matter what road you take. If your only goal is to find some to flog (or find someone to flog you), then you’ll be looking for a really long time. You may also not like what you find when you find it. It’s much better to form friendships with other people in the community, whether it’s online or at munches and play parties. People are more likely to introduce their friends to potential partners than they are to hook up strangers, so having a circle of friends is the first step towards finding a partner.

Also keep in mind that the “turnover” rate in the BDSM community is fairly high. While it’s certainly possible that the first person you play with becomes a life-long partner, the odds are that you’ll be “dating” for a while first. Relationships may come and go, but good friends can last a lifetime. They can also be a safety net, a source of consolation when a relationship ends, and sometimes a source of play when relationship partners are few and far between. Never underestimate the value of friends.

Making a Good First Impression

Meeting people is something that can be very stressful. However, it’s doesn’t have to be nearly as stressful as some people make it! Remember, when you meet a new person that you find attractive and interesting, you don’t have to seduce them in the first 30 seconds. The biggest mistake most people make is to come on way too strong.

Quite often, a newbie Dom will try to be all dark and scary and mysterious and domly, but instead they come across as just kind of creepy and weird. In the same way, a newbie submissive will be so eager to please anyone and everyone they meet, that they come across as desperate and needy.

Start by being yourself. Yes, that sounds corny, but it sure beats trying to be somebody else! Relax, and let whatever natural charm you have show through. Don’t put pressure on yourself to win someone over in the first few minutes. Take the time to get to know them, and give them a chance to get to know you. As long as you’re clear about which side of the power exchange you’re on, that’s all they really need to know. If you’re a Dom, just be a Dom -- not a pushy jerk. If you’re a sub, simply be a sub – not a nuisance.

Realistic Expectations

The great refrain of unattached Doms and subs goes something like this: “It’s so hard to meet people! Where are all the good ones? Why can’t I find someone who’s right for me?”

If you find yourself saying those things, perhaps you should carefully examine just what it is that you’re looking for. Obviously, everyone would like a partner who is intelligent and attractive, with a great sense of humour. They should be independently wealthy, completely free of any emotional baggage, and of course have no other relationships in their life. They should be horny all the time, and available on a moment’s notice.

Such people are rare.

Instead of holding out for Master Right or the submissive sex-kitten of your dreams, start by asking yourself what’s really important to you. Do they absolutely have to have red hair and green eyes? Do they really need to have a perfect hourglass figure, or huge rippling biceps? Do they really need to look just like your fourth-grade teacher? Do they really need to have a cottage on a lake? When it comes right down to it, what’s really important to you?

Once you can answer that question honestly, you’ll be well on the way to finding someone who meets your basic needs. And you may be surprised by how unimportant some of those other things are.

Roll Your Own

Even after prioritizing your expectations, you may find that meeting a kinky person who is right for you can take time. Finding one who is also “right” for you in all the other ways that matter can take even longer. One approach is to start off with a vanilla partner, and gradually introduce them to your kinky desires.

There are problems with this approach too, of course. There’s no guarantee that the person will be interested. Not everyone is kinky – it just seems that way sometimes. The fact is that most people just aren’t into pain as pleasure, or the giving or taking of power and control. If your partner is one of those people, then trying to bring them across may be an exercise in frustration.

There are risks, too. If you and your partner are married, then introducing the idea of kink into your relationship may backfire. If they’re not interested, they may realize that you’ll be tempted to pursue your desires outside of the relationship. And if the marriage ends, you may find your interest in kink being brought up in court, to the dismay of your friends and your children.

You can minimize the risk by bringing up the subject in a very casual, playful way. Don’t make it sound like something that’s hugely important to you, even if it is. Instead, introduce it as a fun diversion, something new to try in bed, and see what their response is like. If they seem lukewarm or negative about the idea, then drop the subject and consider other alternatives. However, if their response is favourable, then you may just be on the way to creating a regular play-partner of your very own, without having to go to a single munch or write a single personal ad.

Wrapping Up

Whether you start with a vanilla partner and move them down the path to kink, or meet an already-kinky partner at a munch, play party, fetish night or online, you need to invest as much time in building the D/s relationship as you do on getting it to happen in the first place. Remember – forming a relationship is not a goal, it’s an ongoing process.

That’s it for this month. In a few short weeks, we’ll be off to Black Rose, the largest BDSM convention in North America. In the next issue of Whiplash we’ll have a review of that event, and a look at some of the other large BDSM events being held across the continent. Until then, have fun and keep playing!

Sidebar: Safe First Meetings

The purpose of this sidebar is to scare you, just a little. Fear is a healthy thing – it makes us keep our guard up, and prevents us from getting into dangerous situations we can’t handle.

Most people you meet online are safe, sane, and won’t do anything that you don’t consent to. However, there are also predators out there, dangerous and disturbed people who see the increasingly-visible BDSM community as their ideal hunting ground. You don’t want to be the one antelope who’s just a little slower than the rest of the herd.

Here are some tips to help you stay safe, adapted from the EhBC website (http://www.ehbc.ca):

Always assume the person you are meeting is potentially dangerous. Don’t listen to other mailing list or chat room-member’s opinions on the person, as most of them have never met them face-to-face. Use your intuition. If the meet feels wrong, don’t go.
Meet at a well-lit, open-concept location. Coffee shops are great because police frequent them. If at all possible, meet during the day, and avoid places with dark parking lots. If you do meet at a restaurant, arrive early and explain to the waiter/waitress that you are meeting someone for the first time, and ask if they would be good enough to alert the police if you are having problems.
Make your own arrangements for a ride. Don’t rely on someone you don’t know, have never met in person, and may not trust or like for a ride home. Public transit is not good enough, because it is all too easy to be abducted from a bus stop or subway.
Make arrangements for a safe call. Your safe call should be someone you know in real life, not from a chat channel or on the list. You should be able to trust this person with your real name, real phone number, address, the licence plate number of your car, the location where you’re meeting, and as complete an itinerary of the evening as you can. Arrange a "green light word" and a "red light word." These are words you can use in a phone conversation to alert your safe call as to whether things are going well or not. Remember, the bad guy may be listening in.
Do NOT play on a first meet. This can be the hardest rule to live by, especially if you are driving long distances to meet someone you have been courting for months online.
If possible, bring along a chaperone. Don’t even let the person you’re meeting know that the chaperone is there. Have your chaperone sit a few tables away, so that you have your privacy, but he can read your body language and listen if your voice starts to rise. If he sees any problems, he can come over and escort you out.
Be extra cautious if you’re traveling to an unfamiliar city to meet someone for the first time. Make your own hotel arrangements, and consider using an electronic ticket if you’re flying somewhere (so your ticket doesn’t suddenly “go missing” when you’re ready to leave). Make sure you have a safe call, someone in your own area. Make sure they have the phone number of the local police in the city you’re visiting. Better yet, bring someone along with you for the trip.

If things go well, you and your new partner will be able to look back at all your precautions and laugh about them. If things go badly, you’ll be very glad you made these preparations – they might just save your life.

Sidebar: Writing a Personal Ad

For some people, writing a personal ad is a real struggle. One key thing to keep in mind is that men and women look for different things. This is true regardless of who’s the top and who’s the bottom. Men are generally much more interested in what their partners look like and how sexually desirable and adventurous they are, whereas women tend to be more interested in someone’s personal qualities.

If at all possible, include a picture. If your ad is aimed at men, make it sexually revealing. If your ad is aimed at women, keep it G-rated.
Don’t talk about things that you’re not interested in doing. Your goal is to eventually meet someone, so don’t offer things you can’t or won’t deliver on – it’ll just get you in trouble later.
Try to be original. Most ads look the same, so try to make yours stand out in some way, either through words or pictures. Don’t be just like everyone else.
Make sure you include keywords in your ad. Many systems automatically index by keywords, or allow people to do free-form text searches, and you want your ad to be one of the ones that matches.
Focus on what you have to offer, more than what you’re looking for. If your list of things you want in a partner is too long, nobody will think they have a chance of meeting your needs. Only list the essential requirements, and spend most of your ad (80% or so) talking about your own best qualities. Again remember that the qualities that you emphasize should be determined by the gender of the person you’re trying to attract.
Get friends of yours to read over your ad, and give you feedback on it. Ask people of the appropriate gender! If you’re looking to meet a woman, ask a female friend to read your ad. If you’re looking to meet a man, ask a guy to read it. Ask several people, and really listen to what they say.
If your ad’s not working for you, rewrite it and try again.