(copyright © 2001, released under a Creative Commons License)
A lot of people go to fetish nights in various clubs and bars. A few also attend private “play parties”, held either in rented facilities or in someone’s home. But how many take the next step, and actually go on to host similar parties themselves? The answer, unfortunately, is “not many”.
Hosting a play party can be an enormous amount of fun, and a great way of giving something back to your local community. It can also be a lot of work, not only during the party itself but also before and after. In this article, I’m going to cover the basic things you need to do to host a party of your own.
The first decision you have to make is where to hold the party. Depending on where you live and the number of people you’re planning to invite, you may be best off to use your own home. However, if you live in a small apartment, or if you have roommates, housemates or children, you may have to explore other alternatives.
One possibility is to book a suite of rooms at a local hotel. It’s more costly, but there are a number of advantages. You don’t have to clean up beforehand, there are plenty of bathrooms, and there’s usually lots of parking. The soundproofing is typically quite good, so you’re much less likely to get noise complaints. If you do, they’ll go to the hotel desk and not the police, which is a good thing.
If you decide to go with a hotel, make sure the rooms are adjoining (i.e. have connecting doors between them). A hospitality suite is ideal. You should also try to find a hotel that has exterior doors for the rooms, so you don’t have to carry your spanking bench through the hotel lobby!
The rest of this article will assume that you’re hosting the party in your own home, but parts of it will certainly apply to other locations as well.
One of the challenges of having a party in your own home is what to do about the neighbours. If it were a regular party, the answer would be easy – just invite them! Unfortunately, that’s probably not an option for a play party, unless your neighbours happen to be kinky as well.
The next best thing to do is make it unlikely that your neighbours, or anyone else for that matter, will have anything to complain about. Encourage your guests to park down the street, rather than right in front of your house. Also make sure they don’t block anyone’s driveways. Parking problems are one of the major reasons people call to complain about a party – especially if they’re having a party of their own on the same night, and their guests have nowhere to put their cars.
Take the time to cover your windows. Some people throw parties, and figure they can’t be seen through the sheer curtains in their living room window. They can’t see out, so obviously no one can see in, right? Wrong! It’s dark outside, but light inside, so people passing by on the street can easily see what’s going on. Put up some heavier curtains, or put paper over the windows (on the inside, of course). Take the time to go outside and look for “leaks”.
Don’t try to hide the fact that you’re having a party – people will figure it out. In fact, do the opposite – put up a sign on the front door, and maybe a few balloons outside. Your goal is not to hide the party itself, but to hide the nature of the party. If people think it’s just a group of friends getting together, they won’t think twice about it. It’s only if you act suspicious that people will wonder exactly what’s going on.
If it’s a large party, and you think there’s a chance that your neighbours might have a complaint, be pro-active. Call the police ahead of time, give them your name and address, and say “I’m having a party tonight. If you get any complaints about noise or parking or anything, please give me a call so I can take care of it”. That saves the police the work of coming by and knocking on your door, and saves you and your guests the potential embarrassment of dealing with the authorities. And regardless of what your guests are wearing, or not wearing, you as the host should be dressed casually so you can answer the door without hesitation.
Okay, so you’ve chosen a location, and taken precautions to prevent nosy neighbours from causing you grief. The next step is to start working on the inside of the house. Aside from all the standard things you would do before any party, you have to set up some equipment so that people have somewhere to play.
If you have equipment of your own, by all means use it. However, you may want to take it out of your tiny dungeon space and spread it through the house. After all, if you normally only play with one partner, you’ll only use one piece of equipment at a time. If all your gear is in the same room, it’s not a problem for you – but it will be for your guests, who may want to use the bench and the cross and overhead bar all at the same time.
If you don’t have much equipment, you’ll need to rely on your guests to bring some. Make sure you contact the ones with equipment first, and don’t make it sound like you’re only inviting them so they’ll bring their stuff. Invite them, get them on the guest list, and then contact them later saying “Everything’s great for the party, but we’re a little short of equipment. Do you have anything you can bring?”, and hope that they’ll volunteer their amazing portable Catherine’s Wheel that fits in the trunk of their car for easy transport.
If possible, try to have a variety of pieces. Spanking benches are good, but in a pinch you can just bend someone over a table or chair. Overhead bars work well, but you need to find a secure attachment point. A couple of St Andrews crosses are always good too. Of course, even if all you have is regular furniture, you can still host a good party. Many submissives have had great experiences while bound to something that was bought years ago at Ikea.
One of the most difficult things to do is lay out the party space. There are a lot of factors to consider, and you may have to trade off some things against others.
The first step is to decide on the different kinds of areas you need. Since it’s a play party, you obviously need a place for people to play. You also need some social space, where people can chat, get to know each other, discuss scenes, and so on. Since you probably don’t want people showing up at the door in fetwear, you should also set aside some changing space. A storage area for toybags is also a good idea.
A lot of people assume that you need a single large room to use as the dungeon. If you have that kind of space, great! However, there’s also a lot to be said for having a number of smaller spaces. For one thing, it makes it easy to accommodate many different kinds of scenes. For example, a wax play scene might not work well next to a loud flogging or interrogation scene. If possible, try to have at least three different play spaces, and arrange for scenes of similar sound level and emotional intensity to share space with each other.
You generally don’t want to have any of the play spaces visible from the main entrance, since you don’t want anyone who comes to the door (neighbours, salespeople, girl guides, Jehovah’s Witnesses, or relatives making a surprise visit) to see what’s going on.
Note that you can actually have more equipment than you have stations to play at. For example, you might have a spanking bench and an overhead bar right next to each other, even though they can’t both be used at the same time. Having a range of equipment in each play space gives your guests a variety of options for their scenes. The key is to make sure that the equipment you have is distributed evenly, and once you’ve done that you can double-up on spaces.
In a large space such as a bedroom, it’s a good idea to have equipment set up in opposite corners of the room. Another option would be to have the equipment back-to-back in the middle of the room, such as two St. Andrews crosses.
If possible, try to make sure each play space has its own sound system, possibly a portable CD player. That way each room can have music that’s appropriate for the kinds of scenes taking place there. Whether you have separate sound systems or not, you should encourage your guests to bring their own scene music on CD. That way you won’t have to double as both DM and DJ, and everyone gets to listen to their favourite music.
Be sure to remove or unplug phones from the play areas. If you have a cell phone, arrange to have your home phone forwarded to your cell and carry it with you. That way you’ll always be reachable, but you won’t have phones ringing everywhere in the house while people are playing. If you have no cell phone, consider getting a cordless phone and carrying it with you while leaving the other extensions unplugged.
Although some people like to burn incense or spray scents into the air before a scene, that’s probably a bad idea. Not everyone likes the same scents, and some people have severe allergies or breathing problems.
Lighting in play areas is very important. You may be tempted to use dim light, or red filters, or something equally exotic. White light is a much better choice, since it allows the tops in the scenes to see both their toys and their partners clearly. The top needs to be able to tell the color of their partner’s skin, how much it’s reddening, bruising, and so on. Dim or coloured light makes that much more difficult.
Keep in mind that one reason people choose to play at a party instead of in the privacy of their own homes is simply that they enjoy being watched. If at all possible, make sure that there’s room in each play space for people to sit and quietly observe the scenes in progress.
Each room, and possibly even each station in a room, should have some basic supplies. A blanket, some cups and straws, and bottles of water and juice in a cooler are a good start. You may want to consider a spray bottle and some paper towels for wiping down equipment between scenes. It’s usually best to have people clean the equipment themselves before starting, rather than afterwards, since they’ll probably be busy with aftercare until long after the next scene has started.
The social space should be comfortable, with places for people to sit and talk. Since many submissives are quite happy sitting on the floor, be sure to provide a few cushions or perhaps some small carpet squares. If you have music in the social space, it should be subdued enough to allow for conversation.
If you can’t completely block the view of the party from the main entrance, the next best thing is to have the main entrance lead into the social area. That way the most anyone coming in would see is some people standing around and talking
You’ll need a room, probably near the main entrance, for people to change out of their street clothes and into their fetwear. Ideally, there’ll be a closet for them to put their things in. Do not use bathrooms as changing areas, since bathrooms are always in short supply at a party.
If you don’t want people smoking in your home, you may need to set aside some space for your guests to go and light up. In warm weather, a fenced-in backyard is a possibility. If the weather is cold, or your backyard is visible from your neighbour’s property, then outdoors may not be an option. A garage is another place for smokers to retreat to.
You should also consider whether you want to give your guests access to every room in the house. Are there areas you want to keep off-limits? Do you want people playing in your bedroom, for example? What about in your bed? Possibly, but possibly not. Make sure your guests know where they shouldn’t go, by closing the doors and possibly putting up signs.
Safety is one of the most important considerations when planning an event. Even if you were planning a completely vanilla party, you’d have to make sure that your home was a safe place for your guests. Given the nature of what we do, safety is even more important at a play party.
The first step is to assemble a basic first aid kit. Don’t rely on whatever you happen to have in your medicine cabinet, since the bathroom door may be locked at the very moment you need access to the supplies. Instead, have a very obvious first aid kit and make sure your guests know where it is. Rather than try to put it together yourself, spend $15 or $20 to pick up a pre-made kit from Canadian Tire or some similar store. You should also have emergency scissors, the kind that can be used to cut through ropes and clothing without cutting the skin. Also make sure that your fire extinguishers are fully charged, and that both you and your guests know where they are. This is especially important if anyone is planning to do fire play.
If you don’t have any first aid training yourself, make sure that you have someone coming to the party who does. In fact, make sure you have at least two of them, so that one is always available while the other is playing. As host, you can double as med person, but in an emergency you’ll be torn between helping someone and dealing with police/ambulance or whoever else shows up.
Speaking of police and ambulance, it is absolutely essential that you be willing to call 911 if necessary. If someone fell down the stairs at a regular party, you wouldn’t think twice about doing it. You shouldn’t hesitate for a moment to call 911 if someone at your play party has a serious injury. Make sure everyone knows that you’re making the call, so they can wrap up any scenes in progress and possibly go put some clothes on before anyone shows up. Keep in mind that even if you only ask for an ambulance, you can expect the police and possibly fire department to show up as well. And yes, you may have to answer some questions. If you’re not prepared to keep a cool head and deal with that situation, then you shouldn’t be holding the party in the first place.
As the host of the party, you are free to set whatever rules you feel are appropriate for the mix of people attending. Do you want to allow alcohol at the party? A lot of play parties are dry, just to make sure things don’t get out of control. It also means you don’t have to keep track of how much your guests are drinking, or cut them off if you feel they’ve had too much, or deal with taking car keys away from a drunken Dom at the end of the night.
Do you want to allow smoking at the party? If so, where? If not, make sure your guests know about the no-smoking rule before they show up, or they may be upset by this restriction.
Do you want to allow sex at the party? If so, you should provide condoms, both latex and non-latex gloves, and perhaps wet naps for cleanup. If you choose not to allow sex, you should make sure that your guests are aware of that rule. Another option is to only allow sex in certain designated areas.
What about cuttings, play piercings and other activities where there may be blood? What guidelines do you want to set up? Are there other specific activities (watersports, for example) that you want to disallow? If you want to let people do play-piercings, you’ll need some sharps disposal containers (which you can get at most drugstores).
Do you want to allow people to bring cameras to the party? Some people will likely be very upset to know that there are cameras there at all, even if they never get used. Again, a middle ground is to allow photography only in specific rooms or at specific times, so that your guests can easily avoid the photo-taking.
Whatever rules you set, you should make sure that they’re spelled out in writing and posted somewhere. That will save endless disputes later on when people say “I didn’t know that it wasn’t allowed”. The list of rules should also identify the party safewords (usually red/yellow/green).
Unless you designate someone else to be the Dungeon Monitor, it’s your responsibility as host to keep an eye on scenes in progress, watch for problems, and listen for safewords.
You should also decide whether you want to accept donations to cover the costs of the party. If so, set up a donations jar somewhere in the house. Do not put it near the door, in case you have visitors who might interpret it as an admission charge (which may have legal ramifications, particularly if you allow sex at the party).
Putting together a guest list for a party is one of the most challenging tasks you’ll face. If you’re like most people, you’ll probably feel like inviting everyone you’ve ever met, just to make sure the party is well-attended. However, if they all show up, you’ve got a problem!
The first thing to do is decide how many people you can invite. Obviously, the size of your home is a major determining factor. However, it’s not the only consideration. If you only have a certain number of stations that people can play at simultaneously, and you invite too many guests, many of them will end up sitting around waiting for equipment to become available. In general, you shouldn’t invite more than six people for every piece of equipment. For example, if you have seven stations, you can invite up to 42 people. Events organized by a group and held in a rented space can go with eight guests per piece of equipment.
The next step is to make sure that you have a good variety of people on the guest list. You should have a mix of couples and singles, men and women, Doms and subs. You want to make sure that you don’t leave a lot of submissives sitting around with nobody to play with, or a lot of Doms standing in line for a scene with some over-worked sub.
You should also watch out for conflicts. Because of the very high turnover rate of BDSM relationships, it’s not always easy to keep track of who’s been with who, and how things ended between them. If at all possible, try to avoid inviting a lot of former couples who may still have residual animosity towards each other.
Your invitation, whether mailed out, handed out in person or sent via email, should have some basic information in it. Obviously the date and location should be given. You should also make it clear what time you want people showing up. In general, nobody will show up any earlier than the time you specify, and many will show up much later. Be sure to mention if food is being served, so people know whether to eat before arriving.
If you expect donations, your invitation should say something like “donations cheerfully accepted”, so people know to bring cash. Also let them know whether they can arrive in fetwear, or whether changing space will be provided. If there’s a theme for the party (such as “school days”), be sure to mention it prominently in the invitation.
Also make it clear whether people are allowed to bring their own guests or not. In general, it’s not a good idea to allow them to do so. After all, you may not want people you’ve never met before showing up at your door. You also might not want to take the chance that one of your guests will end up bringing someone who has a major conflict with someone else on the guest list.
If you have too many people to invite all at once, make sure your guests know to RSVP by a certain date so that you have the option of moving other people from the “maybe” list up to the “invite” list.
Hosting a party is a lot of work for one person, so you should definitely consider getting other people to help you with it. Put someone other than yourself in charge of setting up the equipment before the party and taking it down afterwards. Also consider putting someone else in charge “on the night”, so that you don’t have to do it all yourself.
You should also decide on what your role at the party will be. Will you be the head DM (Dungeon Monitor)? The med person? Or just the host? Regardless what you decide to do yourself and what you delegate to others, you should definitely have one person (either yourself or someone else) who will be in charge for the evening. That person should not play, so that they’re always available to deal with whatever comes up. They should be dressed in casual clothes, so that they can go and answer the door without alarming anyone.
Consider putting up decorations, especially if your party has a theme to it. Arrange for coffee, tea, juice, water and munchies in the social area. You can get a veggie tray from most supermarkets, and supplement it with bowls of cookies. Avoid chips or anything else that’s greasy, since people can be very sensitive about what comes in contact with their fet clothing and toys.
Since people are sometimes reluctant to be the first to play, you may want to arrange ahead of time for a few people to start early. You might even set up some demos of unusual kinds of scenes, to help break the ice and get things going.
Once the party does gets rolling, enjoy it! Let people know that you’re happy to have them in your home, and that holding a party is something you’re really pumped about. Smile and laugh, and share your energy with your guests. Be sure to make everyone feel welcome and appreciated.
It sure sounds like a lot of work, but it’s time and energy well spent. If you hold a party, it will inspire others to do the same. That’ll lead to more parties, and more parties, and more parties – and lots more fun for everyone.
And now, just to give credit where it’s due, I’d like to thank Michael Ford of CAPEX for giving an excellent presentation on this subject at Black Rose 2001. I’ve adapted several of his suggestions for use in this article.
If you have any questions or suggestions about hosting a party, or any other aspect of BDSM, please feel to drop me some email (broehl@ehbc.ca). And of course, party invitations are always welcome!