Going Mainstream

Going Mainstream

By Bernie Roehl

As most regular readers of Whiplash know, my columns generally have a practical, “how-to” focus to them. In past issues I’ve talked about how to set up a dungeon, how to stock your toybag, and so on. The column you’re reading now is a bit of a departure from that, with a more social/philosophical twist to it. This month we examine how and why BDSM has become “mainstream”.

Some Background

A lot can happen in 30 years. That’s how long it’s been since I first started learning about what we now call BDSM, first through some tentative explorations with one of my very first girlfriends and then by reading books and trying to find other people to talk to. It was many years later that I became actively involved in the kinky community, but I still remember how difficult it was to find any kind of information back then.

Oh sure, you could pick up a fetish magazine imported from England, usually filled with black-and-white illustrations and the odd photograph backed up with stories and a few ads. And of course there were cheap novels (usually by “Anonymous”) that had surprisingly vivid and graphic descriptions of kinky erotic scenarios. All great fantasy fodder, but not the kind of practical information someone would need in order to be able to actually start doing the things that they were thinking about.

It wasn’t until a scant 10 years ago that things really started to change. Over the past decade or so, the world of BDSM has gone from deep underground to being an everyday part of mainstream culture. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Truthfully, it’s a bit of both.

What’s Happening

The big change has been that people are no longer scared to talk about BDSM. There was a time when that wasn’t true, a time when even mentioning kinky sex would produce uncomfortable laughter, awkward silence, or outright condemnation from anyone within earshot. Now it’s not only acceptable to talk about kink, it’s actually become a popular topic of conversation even among people who have no personal interest in it themselves.

My favorite example comes from a few years back. A popular television show called “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” began making some very obvious and direct references to kinky sex. These were not oblique, ambiguous, “is that really what they’re talking about?” kind of things, these were very open and straightforward acknowledgements that at least some of the characters enjoyed kinky sex. There were references to bondage, leather and even the use of safewords. And this was in a show that was aimed at a late-teen to early-twenties audience.

The most interesting aspect of those references was that there was no need to explain them. Back in the 1980’s, every television show that made reference to personal computers had an obligatory bit of expository dialogue to explain things to the audience. Inspector Columbo would say things like “A modem? What’s a modem?” and the suspect would then explain to the inspector (and the audience) that it’s possible for computers to communicate with each over a phone line. These days, of course, virtually everyone who watches television knows what a modem is, so there’s no longer any need to explain it.

And that’s why the Buffy references were so interesting. The people writing and producing the show knew that they didn’t need to explain bondage and safewords to their target audience. Those who didn’t already know what they were would certainly have friends who could explain it to them. That’s a big change from 25 years ago!

There have also been more references appearing in mainstream films. Perhaps the biggest breakthrough in this respect was the film “Secretary”, which was nothing less than an exploration of a D/s relationship. Again, there was no ambiguity – the audience was never left wondering “is she really kinky, or am I reading too much into it?”. The main character was very clearly submissive, and was looking for a Dominant. There was no clumsy attempt to explain her desires in profound psychological terms, and in fact there was an implicit assumption by the filmmakers that the audience would “get it”. And by and large, they did.

For better or worse, the things that we do are no longer dark and mysterious – they’re out there on the big screen and the small screen, in books and magazine articles and music videos and clothing stores. Whether we’d planned to or not, we have definitely gone mainstream

The Bad

So, what’s the downside? Surely with all this attention, people will start to see what we do as positive, or at the very least harmless. Right?

Not necessarily. There are some people who are dead-set against everything we do, and would be quite happy to see it forced back underground or banned altogether. The people on that particular crusade are a mixed bag. It’s said that politics makes strange bedfellows, and nowhere is that more true than when looking at those who are opposed to our lifestyle. When ardent feminists and right-wing television preachers end up on the same side of an issue, you know that something very peculiar indeed is going on!

There are essentially two groups who are opposed to what it is that we do. The first, of course, are the religious right. They are predisposed to stand against anything that reeks of sex or sensuality, especially if it’s not intended for the purpose of procreation. The fact that some people derive sexual pleasure from the giving and taking of pain and power is something that religious fundamentalists (of many faiths) will never willingly accept.

The other group are those who equate what we do with abuse, and view all D/s relationships (even completely consensual ones) as being fundamentally abusive. From their point of view, there is no rational reason a woman (since theirs is a feminist perspective) would ever consent to being bound, spanked, or tormented. She must be doing it simply to satisfy her partner’s sick and demented cravings, and the only good outcome would be to remove her from his influence.

As our activities become more mainstream, both of these groups – the religious right and the old-school feminists – are standing up against us, and in some cases winning minor victories. For example, the annual Black Rose BDSM convention was supposed to be held in the tourist town of Ocean City, Maryland. That was before pressure from the religious right came to bear, forcing the event to be located to the Washington DC area.

There are certainly risks associated with being out in the open, and one of those risks is that we show up on the radar of those who are opposed to what we do.

The Good

However, despite those risks, there are many good things that come from having our kinks out in the open. People who have kinky desires now know that they’re not alone, and they have access to books, instructional videos, and magazines like Whiplash to help them find what they’re looking for. They can meet other people in a safe environment, they can enter into healthy D/s relationships, they can attend play parties and fetish nights. These are all good things, since they make it possible for people to live their lives as they choose rather than hiding in the dark.

And of course, ultimately our increased visibility will lead to greater acceptance. Not everyone believes that, but it’s true. So long as we were completely invisible, people could say anything they liked about us. They could place us in the same category as child molesters, or people who are into bestiality. They could describe us as immoral, sick, or demented. They could say things about us that have absolutely no foundation in fact, and they could get away with it because they knew that we couldn’t stand up for ourselves for fear of being exposed.

By coming out into the light, and letting people know that we exist and are all around them, we take that weapon of fear away from those who wield it. The next time someone says “those sadomasochists should be locked up somewhere”, there’ll be enough people going “hey, wait a minute – I read an article in Macleans that says these people are okay”, or “I saw a television program, and one of the characters is kinky – I don’t see anything wrong with what they do”. By becoming part of mainstream culture, we will ultimately find greater acceptance by the people who read, and think, and vote. And that matters.

It all comes down to a question of personal philosophy – is there safety in the darkness, or is there safety in the light? As many subcultures have discovered over the years, there is no real safety in the dark. Eventually someone comes poking around with a flashlight, and the secret is out. It’s far better to step out into the sunlight, where everyone can see what we’re doing – and what we’re not doing – and draw their own conclusions about it.

The Future

So, what does the future hold for the relationship between us and our vanilla friends? I’m an optimist, so I believe that greater and greater acceptance will come in time.

Consider how far the gay community has come in finding acceptance. It’s no longer possible to have someone fired from their job for being gay, or prevent them from raising their children, or keep them from leading their lives as they see fit. We have openly gay politicians and members of the clergy, and (at least in here in Canada) gay marriage. Those changes took years, and they didn’t happen by themselves. They happened as a result of a lot of people working very hard to send the simple message “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it”.

I think many of us in the kinky community can learn a lot from that example. The simple act of “coming out” about being kinky, either in a big public way or just to our friends, will help us move down the road towards finding acceptance by society at large. Not everyone has that option, but those of us who do should make use of it.

At the moment, the law is lagging behind the changes that are taking place in society. There are people who are making an effort to get that to change (see the article elsewhere in this issue), but it will be some time before it happens. In the meantime, we can do some old-fashioned “consciousness raising” with our vanilla friends, and start laying the groundwork for greater acceptance of kink as a legitimate pastime, hobby, or lifestyle choice.

In any case, there’s no going back. The road ahead may have a few bumps on it, but it’s now the only road open to us. The world knows that there’s a kinky subculture out there, and whether they like us or not, we’re not disappearing anytime soon. “We’re here, we’ve got gear, get used to it!”