The concept of "negotiation" in an erotic power exchange context means open, honest communication about what you do and do not want. Negotiation in this sense is not a bargaining process, where one partner is trying to get something at the expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where you are both talking about what you are going to do and what does and does not excite you.

This way you can feel more comfortable and turned on together. It is completely legitimate to talk about both your fantasies and boundaries - about what makes you wet and about what makes you cringe and tense up. Telling your partner about things that you do not want him or her to do is valuable, as you deserve to have those limits respected. And if you do not tell your partner those things, he or she may do them, and neither of you will enjoy it. (If you do express your limits, and your partner ignores them, that is non-consentual, and you will want to think hard about whether you can trust your partner. Negotiation can bring these issues into clear focus, which can help.)

If erotic power exchange is new to you, please consider the following:  whatever happens in your dreams and fantasies may not necessarily be fit to reproduce in a real "live" scene. In your dreams anything can happen and you will still wake up in one piece. Please "downgrade" whatever your fantasy is and start with little things, working your way up to as close as you can come to your fantasy. This helps you to avoid disappointing adventures.

If you are just getting into erotic power exchange, or beginning a new relationship, negotiation is a very valuable process. It can be as up front as "I'd really like to kiss you, does that sound good?" or as nasty as "Tell me your deepest, darkest fantasy or I'm going to stop rubbing your clitoris!" Talking about what you want from your sexual relationship can be difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it gets and the more you get out of it! And note that none of this is necessarily specific to erotic power exchange; negotiation is useful on all levels in all relationships, whether they involve erotic power exchange or not.

Consent is much more than a simple "yes." Any relationship, and especially relationships involving erotic power exchange, will do better with lots of honest talk about what you both want. And why. And how much. And what you do not want. There are some who feel that negotiating ruins the momentum. The image they seem to have is of lovers who need say no words: every touch, every action, is perfect. That is great when it happens, but it does not happen automatically. Plus, as you get to know each other better, you will know what you both like and do not like. Because you will have negotiated it!

A frequent misconception is that there is a difference in limits between dominants and submissives and that the limits of the submissive should come first. This is not the case. Both dominant and submissive limits should be treated with equal importance, even though it is obvious that a dominant cannot do anything the submissive considers a limit. However, a sub should not insist on doing things a dom - for whatever reason, is incapable of doing.

-------------------

karen/kitten's place: 519-886-4867 for information and location, or email kitten@golden.net.

This month's topic is "The Care, Feeding, and Making of Toys". Feel free to bring any toys you wish to talk about, or share information on.

If you can volunteer to bring folding chairs, please let karen know ASAP.